第137章

第137章drearilyiwoundmywaydownstairs:iknewwhatihadtodo,andididitmechanically.isoughtthekeyoftheside-doorinthekitchen;isought,too,aphialofoilandafeather;ioiledthekeyandthelock.igotsomewater,igotsomebread:forperhapsishouldhavetowalkfar;andmystrength,sorelyshakenoflate,mustnotbreakdown.allthisididwithoutonesound.iopenedthedoor,passedout,shutitsoftly.dimdawnglimmeredintheyard.thegreatgateswereclosedandlocked;butawicketinoneofthemwasonlylatched.throughthatideparted:it,too,ishut;andnowiwasoutofthornfield.

amileoff,beyondthefields,layaroadwhichstretchedinthecontrarydirectiontomillcote;aroadihadnevertravelled,butoftennoticed,andwonderedwhereitled:thitheribentmysteps.noreflectionwastobeallowednow:notoneglancewastobecastback;notevenoneforward.notonethoughtwastobegiveneithertothepastorthefuture.thefirstwasapagesoheavenlysweet—sodeadlysad—thattoreadonelineofitwoulddissolvemycourageandbreakdownmyenergy.thelastwasanawfulblank:somethingliketheworldwhenthedelugewasgoneby.

iskirtedfields,andhedges,andlanestillaftersunrise.ibelieveitwasalovelysummermorning:iknowmyshoes,whichihadputonwhenileftthehouse,weresoonwetwithdew.butilookedneithertorisingsun,norsmilingsky,norwakeningnature.hewhoistakenouttopassthroughafairscenetothescaffold,thinksnotoftheflowersthatsmileonhisroad,butoftheblockandaxe-edge;ofthedissevermentofboneandvein;ofthegravegapingattheend:andithoughtofdrearflightandhomelesswandering—andoh!withagonyithoughtofwhatileft.icouldnothelpit.ithoughtofhimnow—inhisroom—watchingthesunrise;hopingishouldsooncometosayiwouldstaywithhimandbehis.ilongedtobehis;ipantedtoreturn:itwasnottoolate;icouldyetsparehimthebitterpangofbereavement.asyetmyflight,iwassure,wasundiscovered.icouldgobackandbehiscomforter—hispride;hisredeemerfrommisery,perhapsfromruin.oh,thatfearofhisself-abandonment—farworsethanmyabandonment—howitgoadedme!itwasabarbedarrow-headinmybreast;ittoremewhenitriedtoextractit;itsickenedmewhenremembrancethrustitfartherin.birdsbegansinginginbrakeandcopse:birdswerefaithfultotheirmates;birdswereemblemsoflove.whatwasi?inthemidstofmypainofheartandfranticeffortofprinciple,iabhorredmyself.ihadnosolacefromself-approbation:noneevenfromself-respect.ihadinjured—wounded—leftmymaster.iwashatefulinmyowneyes.stillicouldnotturn,norretraceonestep.godmusthaveledmeon.astomyownwillorconscience,impassionedgriefhadtrampledoneandstifledtheother.iwasweepingwildlyasiwalkedalongmysolitaryway:fast,fastiwentlikeonedelirious.aweakness,beginninginwardly,extendingtothelimbs,seizedme,andifell:ilayonthegroundsomeminutes,pressingmyfacetothewetturf.ihadsomefear—orhope—thathereishoulddie:butiwassoonup;crawlingforwardsonmyhandsandknees,andthenagainraisedtomyfeet—aseagerandasdeterminedasevertoreachtheroad.

whenigotthere,iwasforcedtosittorestmeunderthehedge;andwhileisat,iheardwheels,andsawacoachcomeon.istoodupandliftedmyhand;itstopped.iaskedwhereitwasgoing:thedrivernamedaplacealongwayoff,andwhereiwassuremr.rochesterhadnoconnections.iaskedforwhatsumhewouldtakemethere;hesaidthirtyshillings;iansweredihadbuttwenty;well,hewouldtrytomakeitdo.hefurthergavemeleavetogetintotheinside,asthevehiclewasempty:ientered,wasshutin,anditrolledonitsway.

gentlereader,mayyouneverfeelwhatithenfelt!mayyoureyesnevershedsuchstormy,scalding,heart-wrungtearsaspouredfrommine.mayyouneverappealtoheaveninprayerssohopelessandsoagonisedasinthathourleftmylips;fornevermayyou,likeme,dreadtobetheinstrumentofeviltowhatyouwhollylove.