第138章

第138章twodaysarepassed.itisasummerevening;thecoachmanhassetmedownataplacecalledwhitcross;hecouldtakemenofartherforthesumihadgiven,andiwasnotpossessedofanothershillingintheworld.thecoachisamileoffbythistime;iamalone.atthismomentidiscoverthatiforgottotakemyparceloutofthepocketofthecoach,whereihadplaceditforsafety;thereitremains,thereitmustremain;andnow,iamabsolutelydestitute.

whitcrossisnotown,norevenahamlet;itisbutastonepillarsetupwherefourroadsmeet:whitewashed,isuppose,tobemoreobviousatadistanceandindarkness.fourarmsspringfromitssummit:thenearesttowntowhichthesepointis,accordingtotheinscription,distanttenmiles;thefarthest,abovetwenty.fromthewell-knownnamesofthesetownsilearninwhatcountyihavelighted;anorth-midlandshire,duskwithmoorland,ridgedwithmountain:thisisee.therearegreatmoorsbehindandoneachhandofme;therearewavesofmountainsfarbeyondthatdeepvalleyatmyfeet.thepopulationheremustbethin,andiseenopassengersontheseroads:theystretchouteast,west,north,andsouth—white,broad,lonely;theyareallcutinthemoor,andtheheathergrowsdeepandwildtotheirveryverge.yetachancetravellermightpassby;andiwishnoeyetoseemenow:strangerswouldwonderwhatiamdoing,lingeringhereatthesign-post,evidentlyobjectlessandlost.imightbequestioned:icouldgivenoanswerbutwhatwouldsoundincredibleandexcitesuspicion.notatieholdsmetohumansocietyatthismoment—notacharmorhopecallsmewheremyfellow-creaturesare—nonethatsawmewouldhaveakindthoughtoragoodwishforme.ihavenorelativebuttheuniversalmother,nature:iwillseekherbreastandaskrepose.

istruckstraightintotheheath;iheldontoahollowisawdeeplyfurrowingthebrownmoorside;iwadedknee-deepinitsdarkgrowth;iturnedwithitsturnings,andfindingamoss-blackenedgranitecraginahiddenangle,isatdownunderit.highbanksofmoorwereaboutme;thecragprotectedmyhead:theskywasoverthat.

sometimepassedbeforeifelttranquilevenhere:ihadavaguedreadthatwildcattlemightbenear,orthatsomesportsmanorpoachermightdiscoverme.ifagustofwindsweptthewaste,ilookedup,fearingitwastherushofabull;ifaploverwhistled,iimagineditaman.findingmyapprehensionsunfounded,however,andcalmedbythedeepsilencethatreignedaseveningdeclinedatnightfall,itookconfidence.asyetihadnotthought;ihadonlylistened,watched,dreaded;nowiregainedthefacultyofreflection.

whatwasitodo?wheretogo?oh,intolerablequestions,whenicoulddonothingandgonowhere!—whenalongwaymustyetbemeasuredbymyweary,tremblinglimbsbeforeicouldreachhumanhabitation—whencoldcharitymustbeentreatedbeforeicouldgetalodging:reluctantsympathyimportuned,almostcertainrepulseincurred,beforemytalecouldbelistenedto,oroneofmywantsrelieved!

itouchedtheheath,itwasdry,andyetwarmwiththebeatofthesummerday.ilookedatthesky;itwaspure:akindlystartwinkledjustabovethechasmridge.thedewfell,butwithpropitioussoftness;nobreezewhispered.natureseemedtomebenignandgood;ithoughtshelovedme,outcastasiwas;andi,whofrommancouldanticipateonlymistrust,rejection,insult,clungtoherwithfilialfondness.to-night,atleast,iwouldbeherguest,asiwasherchild:mymotherwouldlodgemewithoutmoneyandwithoutprice.ihadonemorselofbreadyet:theremnantofarollihadboughtinatownwepassedthroughatnoonwithastraypenny—mylastcoin.isawripebilberriesgleaminghereandthere,likejetbeadsintheheath:igatheredahandfulandatethemwiththebread.myhunger,sharpbefore,was,ifnotsatisfied,appeasedbythishermit’smeal.isaidmyeveningprayersatitsconclusion,andthenchosemycouch.

besidethecragtheheathwasverydeep:whenilaydownmyfeetwereburiedinit;risinghighoneachside,itleftonlyanarrowspaceforthenight-airtoinvade.ifoldedmyshawldouble,andspreaditovermeforacoverlet;alow,mossyswellwasmypillow.thuslodged,iwasnot,atleast—atthecommencementofthenight,cold.

myrestmighthavebeenblissfulenough,onlyasadheartbrokeit.itplainedofitsgapingwounds,itsinwardbleeding,itsrivenchords.ittrembledformr.rochesterandhisdoom;itbemoanedhimwithbitterpity;itdemandedhimwithceaselesslonging;and,impotentasabirdwithbothwingsbroken,itstillquivereditsshatteredpinionsinvainattemptstoseekhim.

wornoutwiththistortureofthought,irosetomyknees.nightwascome,andherplanetswererisen:asafe,stillnight:toosereneforthecompanionshipoffear.weknowthatgodiseverywhere;butcertainlywefeelhispresencemostwhenhisworksareonthegrandestscalespreadbeforeus;anditisintheuncloudednight-sky,wherehisworldswheeltheirsilentcourse,thatwereadclearesthisinfinitude,hisomnipotence,hisomnipresence.ihadrisentomykneestoprayformr.rochester.lookingup,i,withtear-dimmedeyes,sawthemightymilky-way.rememberingwhatitwas—whatcountlesssystemstheresweptspacelikeasofttraceoflight—ifeltthemightandstrengthofgod.surewasiofhisefficiencytosavewhathehadmade:convincedigrewthatneitherearthshouldperish,noroneofthesoulsittreasured.iturnedmyprayertothanksgiving:thesourceoflifewasalsothesaviourofspirits.mr.rochesterwassafe;hewasgod’s,andbygodwouldhebeguarded.iagainnestledtothebreastofthehill;anderelonginsleepforgotsorrow.