第140章

第140章“canyoutellmewhereicouldgetemploymentofanykind?”icontinued.“iamastranger,withoutacquaintanceinthisplace.iwantsomework:nomatterwhat.”

butitwasnotherbusinesstothinkforme,ortoseekaplaceforme:besides,inhereyes,howdoubtfulmusthaveappearedmycharacter,position,tale.sheshookherhead,she“wassorryshecouldgivemenoinformation,”andthewhitedoorclosed,quitegentlyandcivilly:butitshutmeout.ifshehadhelditopenalittlelonger,ibelieveishouldhaveedapieceofbread;foriwasnowbroughtlow.

icouldnotbeartoreturntothesordidvillage,where,besides,noprospectofaidwasvisible.ishouldhavelongedrathertodeviatetoawoodisawnotfaroff,whichappearedinitsthickshadetoofferinvitingshelter;butiwassosick,soweak,sognawedwithnature’scravings,instinctkeptmeroamingroundabodeswheretherewasachanceoffood.solitudewouldbenosolitude—restnorest—whilethevulture,hunger,thussankbeakandtalonsinmyside.

idrewnearhouses;ileftthem,andcamebackagain,andagainiwanderedaway:alwaysrepelledbytheconsciousnessofhavingnoclaimtoask—norighttoexpectinterestinmyisolatedlot.meantime,theafternoonadvanced,whileithuswanderedaboutlikealostandstarvingdog.incrossingafield,isawthechurchspirebeforeme:ihastenedtowardsit.nearthechurchyard,andinthemiddleofagarden,stoodawell-builtthoughsmallhouse,whichihadnodoubtwastheparsonage.irememberedthatstrangerswhoarriveataplacewheretheyhavenofriends,andwhowantemployment,sometimesapplytotheclergymanforintroductionandaid.itistheclergyman’sfunctiontohelp—atleastwithadvice—thosewhowishedtohelpthemselves.iseemedtohavesomethinglikearighttoseekcounselhere.renewingthenmycourage,andgatheringmyfeebleremainsofstrength,ipushedon.ireachedthehouse,andknockedatthekitchen-door.anoldwomanopened:iaskedwasthistheparsonage?

“yes.”

“wastheclergymanin?”

“no.”

“wouldhebeinsoon?”

“no,hewasgonefromhome.”

“toadistance?”

“notsofar—happenthreemile.hehadbeencalledawaybythesuddendeathofhisfather:hewasatmarshendnow,andwouldverylikelystaythereafortnightlonger.”

“wasthereanyladyofthehouse?”

“nay,therewasnaughtbuther,andshewashousekeeper;”andofher,reader,icouldnotbeartoaskthereliefforwantofwhichiwassinking;icouldnotyetbeg;andagainicrawledaway.

oncemoreitookoffmyhandkerchief—oncemoreithoughtofthecakesofbreadinthelittleshop.oh,forbutacrust!forbutonemouthfultoallaythepangoffamine!instinctivelyiturnedmyfaceagaintothevillage;ifoundtheshopagain,andiwentin;andthoughothersweretherebesidesthewomaniventuredtherequest—“wouldshegivemearollforthishandkerchief?”

shelookedatmewithevidentsuspicion:“nay,sheneversoldstuffi’thatway.”

almostdesperate,iaskedforhalfacake;sheagainrefused.“howcouldshetellwhereihadgotthehandkerchief?”shesaid.

“wouldshetakemygloves?”

“no!whatcouldshedowiththem?”

reader,itisnotpleasanttodwellonthesedetails.somesaythereisenjoymentinlookingbacktopainfulexperiencepast;butatthisdayicanscarcelybeartoreviewthetimestowhichiallude:themoraldegradation,blentwiththephysicalsuffering,formtoodistressingarecollectionevertobewillinglydwelton.iblamednoneofthosewhorepulsedme.ifeltitwaswhatwastobeexpected,andwhatcouldnotbehelped:anordinaryarisfrequentlyanobjectofsuspicion;awell-dressedarinevitablyso.tobesure,whatiedwasemployment;butwhosebusinesswasittoprovidemewithemployment?not,certainly,thatofpersonswhosawmethenforthefirsttime,andwhoknewnothingaboutmycharacter.andastothewomanwhowouldnottakemyhandkerchiefinexchangeforherbread,why,shewasright,iftheofferappearedtohersinisterortheexchangeunprofitable.letmecondensenow.iamsickofthesubject.

alittlebeforedarkipassedafarm-house,attheopendoorofwhichthefarmerwassitting,eatinghissupperofbreadandcheese.istoppedandsaid—

“willyougivemeapieceofbread?foriamveryhungry.”hecastonmeaglanceofsurprise;butwithoutanswering,hecutathickslicefromhisloaf,andgaveittome.iimaginehedidnotthinkiwasaar,butonlyaneccentricsortoflady,whohadtakenafancytohisbrownloaf.assoonasiwasoutofsightofhishouse,isatdownandateit.

icouldnothopetogetalodgingunderaroof,andsoughtitinthewoodihavebeforealludedto.butmynightwaswretched,myrestbroken:thegroundwasdamp,theaircold:besides,intruderspassednearmemorethanonce,andihadagainandagaintochangemyquarters;nosenseofsafetyortranquillitybefriendedme.towardsmorningitrained;thewholeofthefollowingdaywaswet.donotaskme,reader,togiveaminuteaccountofthatday;asbefore,isoughtwork;asbefore,iwasrepulsed;asbefore,istarved;butoncedidfoodpassmylips.atthedoorofacottageisawalittlegirlabouttothrowamessofcoldporridgeintoapigtrough.“willyougivemethat?”iasked.

shestaredatme.“mother!”sheexclaimed,“thereisawomanwantsmetogivehertheseporridge.”

“welllass,”repliedavoicewithin,“giveitherifshe’saar.t’pigdoesn’twantit.”

thegirlemptiedthestiffenedmouldintomyhand,andidevoureditravenously.

asthewettwilightdeepened,istoppedinasolitarybridle-path,whichihadbeenpursuinganhourormore.