第29章

第29章erethehalf-hourended，fiveo’clockstruck；schoolwasdismissed，andallweregoneintotherefectorytotea.inowventuredtodescend：itwasdeepdusk；iretiredintoacornerandsatdownonthefloor.thespellbywhichihadbeensofarsupportedbegantodissolve；reactiontookplace，andsoon，sooverwhelmingwasthegriefthatseizedme，isankprostratewithmyfacetotheground.nowiwept：helenburnswasnothere；nothingsustainedme；lefttomyselfiabandonedmyself，andmytearswateredtheboards.ihadmeanttobesogood，andtodosomuchatlowood：tomakesomanyfriends，toearnrespectandwinaffection.alreadyihadmadevisibleprogress：thatverymorningihadreachedtheheadofmyclass；missmillerhadpraisedmewarmly；misstemplehadsmiledapprobation；shehadpromisedtoteachmedrawing，andtoletmelearnfrench，ificontinuedtomakesimilarimprovementtwomonthslonger：andtheniwaswellreceivedbymyfellow-pupils；treatedasanequalbythoseofmyownage，andnotmolestedbyany；now，hereilayagaincrushedandtroddenon；andcouldieverrisemore？

“never，”ithought；andardentlyiwishedtodie.whilesobbingoutthiswishinbrokenaccents，someoneapproached：istartedup—againhelenburnswasnearme；thefadingfiresjustshowedhercomingupthelong，vacantroom；shebroughtmycoffeeandbread.

不“come，eatsomething，”shesaid；butiputbothawayfromme，feelingasifadroporacrumbwouldhavechokedmeinmypresentcondition.helenregardedme，probablywithsurprise：icouldnotnowabatemyagitation，thoughitriedhard；icontinuedtoweepaloud.shesatdownonthegroundnearme，embracedherkneeswithherarms，andrestedherheaduponthem；inthatattitudesheremainedsilentasanindian.iwasthefirstwhospoke—

“helen，whydoyoustaywithagirlwhomeverybodybelievestobealiar？”

“everybody，jane？why，thereareonlyeightypeoplewhohaveheardyoucalledso，andtheworldcontainshundredsofmillions.”

“butwhathaveitodowithmillions？theeighty，iknow，despiseme.”

“jane，youaremistaken：probablynotoneintheschooleitherdespisesordislikesyou：many，iamsure，pityyoumuch.”

“howcantheypitymeafterwhatmr.brocklehursthassaid？”

“mr.brocklehurstisnotagod：norisheevenagreatandadmiredman：heislittlelikedhere；henevertookstepstomakehimselfliked.hadhetreatedyouasanespecialfavourite，youwouldhavefoundenemies，declaredorcovert，allaroundyou；asitis，thegreaternumberwouldofferyousympathyiftheydared.teachersandpupilsmaylookcoldlyonyouforadayortwo，butfriendlyfeelingsareconcealedintheirhearts；andifyoupersevereindoingwell，thesefeelingswillerelongappearsomuchthemoreevidentlyfortheirtemporarysuppression.besides，jane”—shepaused.

“well，helen？”saidi，puttingmyhandintohers：shechafedmyfingersgentlytowarmthem，andwenton—

“ifalltheworldhatedyou，andbelievedyouwicked，whileyourownconscienceapprovedyou，andabsolvedyoufromguilt，youwouldnotbewithoutfriends.”

“no；iknowishouldthinkwellofmyself；butthatisnotenough：ifothersdon’tlovemeiwouldratherdiethanlive—icannotbeartobesolitaryandhated，helen.lookhere；togainsomerealaffectionfromyou，ormisstemple，oranyotherwhomitrulylove，iwouldwillinglysubmittohavetheboneofmyarmbroken，ortoletabulltossme，ortostandbehindakickinghorse，andletitdashitshoofatmychest—”

“hush，jane！youthinktoomuchoftheloveofhumanbeings；youaretooimpulsive，toovehement；thesovereignhandthatcreatedyourframe，andputlifeintoit，hasprovidedyouwithotherresourcesthanyourfeebleself，orthancreaturesfeebleasyou.besidesthisearth，andbesidestheraceofmen，thereisaninvisibleworldandakingdomofspirits：thatworldisroundus，foritiseverywhere；andthosespiritswatchus，fortheyarecommissionedtoguardus；andifweweredyinginpainandshame，ifscornsmoteusonallsides，andhatredcrushedus，angelsseeourtortures，recogniseourinnocence(ifinnocentwebe：asiknowyouareofthischargewhichmr.brocklehursthasweaklyandpompouslyrepeatedatsecond-handfrommrs.reed；forireadasincerenatureinyourardenteyesandonyourclearfront)，andgodwaitsonlytheseparationofspiritfromfleshtocrownuswithafullreward.why，then，shouldweeversinkoverwhelmedwithdistress，whenlifeissosoonover，anddeathissocertainanentrancetohappiness—toglory？”

iwassilent；helenhadcalmedme；butinthetranquillitysheimpartedtherewasanalloyofinexpressiblesadness.ifelttheimpressionofwoeasshespoke，buticouldnottellwhenceitcame；andwhen，havingdonespeaking，shebreathedalittlefastandcoughedashortcough，imomentarilyforgotmyownsorrowstoyieldtoavagueconcernforher.

restingmyheadonhelen’sshoulder，iputmyarmsroundherwaist；shedrewmetoher，andwereposedinsilence.wehadnotsatlongthus，whenanotherpersoncamein.someheavyclouds，sweptfromtheskybyarisingwind，hadleftthemoonbare；andherlight，streaminginthroughawindownear，shonefullbothonusandontheapproachingfigure，whichweatoncerecognisedasmisstemple.

“icameonpurposetofindyou，janeeyre，”saidshe；“iwantyouinmyroom；andashelenburnsiswithyou，shemaycometoo.”

wewent；followingthesuperintendent’sguidance，wehadtothreadsomeintricatepassages，andmountastaircasebeforewereachedherapartment；itcontainedagoodfire，andlookedcheerful.misstempletoldhelenburnstobeseatedinalowarm-chairononesideofthehearth，andherselftakinganother，shecalledmetoherside.

“isitallover？”sheasked，lookingdownatmyface.“haveyoucriedyourgriefaway？”

“iamafraidinevershalldothat.”

“why？”

“becauseihavebeenwronglyaccused；andyou，ma’am，andeverybodyelse，willnowthinkmewicked.”