第33章

第33章myfavouriteseatwasasmoothandbroadstone,risingwhiteanddryfromtheverymiddleofthebeck,andonlytobegotatbywadingthroughthewater;afeatiaccomplishedbarefoot.thestonewasjustbroadenoughtoaccommodate,comfortably,anothergirlandme,atthattimemychosencomrade—onemaryannwilson;ashrewd,observantpersonage,whosesocietyitookpleasurein,partlybecauseshewaswittyandoriginal,andpartlybecauseshehadamannerwhichsetmeatmyease.someyearsolderthani,sheknewmoreoftheworld,andcouldtellmemanythingsilikedtohear:withhermycuriosityfoundgratification:tomyfaultsalsoshegaveampleindulgence,neverimposingcurborreinonanythingisaid.shehadaturnfornarrative,iforanalysis;shelikedtoinform,itoquestion;sowegotonswimminglytogether,derivingmuchentertainment,ifnotmuchimprovement,fromourmutualintercourse.

andwhere,meantime,washelenburns?whydidinotspendthesesweetdaysoflibertywithher?hadiforgottenher?orwasisoworthlessastohavegrowntiredofherparesociety?surelythemaryarmwilsonihavementionedwasinferiortomyfirstacquaintance:shecouldonlytellmeamusingstories,andreciprocateanyracyandpungentgossipichosetoindulgein;while,ifihavespokentruthofhelen,shewasqualifiedtogivethosewhoenjoyedtheprivilegeofherconverseatasteoffarhigherthings.

true,reader;andiknewandfeltthis:andthoughiamadefectivebeing,withmanyfaultsandfewredeemingpoints,yetinevertiredofhelenburns;noreverceasedtocherishforherasentimentofattachment,asstrong,tender,andrespectfulasanythateveranimatedmyheart.howcoulditbeotherwise,whenhelen,atalltimesandunderallcircumstances,evincedformeaquietandfaithfulfriendship,whichill-humourneversoured,norirritationnevertroubled?buthelenwasillatpresent:forsomeweeksshehadbeenremovedfrommysighttoiknewnotwhatroomupstairs.shewasnot,iwastold,inthehospitalportionofthehousewiththefeverpatients;forhercomplaintwasconsumption,nottyphus:andbyconsumptioni,inmyignorance,understoodsomethingmild,whichtimeandcarewouldbesuretoalleviate.

iwasconfirmedinthisideabythefactofheronceortwicecomingdownstairsonverywarmsunnyafternoons,andbeingtakenbymisstempleintothegarden;but,ontheseoccasions,iwasnotallowedtogoandspeaktoher;ionlysawherfromtheschoolroomwindow,andthennotdistinctly;forshewasmuchwrappedup,andsatatadistanceundertheverandah.

oneevening,inthebeginningofjune,ihadstayedoutverylatewithmaryanninthewood;wehad,asusual,separatedourselvesfromtheothers,andhadwanderedfar;sofarthatwelostourway,andhadtoaskitatalonelycottage,whereamanandwomanlived,wholookedafteraherdofhalf-wildswinethatfedonthemastinthewood.whenwegotback,itwasaftermoonrise:apony,whichweknewtobethesurgeon’s,wasstandingatthegardendoor.maryannremarkedthatshesupposedsomeonemustbeveryill,asmr.bateshadbeensentforatthattimeoftheevening.shewentintothehouse;istayedbehindafewminutestoplantinmygardenahandfulofrootsihaddugupintheforest,andwhichifearedwouldwitherifileftthemtillthemorning.thisdone,ilingeredyetalittlelonger:theflowerssmeltsosweetasthedewfell;itwassuchapleasantevening,soserene,sowarm;thestillglowingwestpromisedsofairlyanotherfinedayonthemorrow;themoonrosewithsuchmajestyinthegraveeast.iwasnotingthesethingsandenjoyingthemasachildmight,whenitenteredmymindasithadneverdonebefore:—

“howsadtobelyingnowonasickbed,andtobeindangerofdying!thisworldispleasant—itwouldbedrearytobecalledfromit,andtohavetogowhoknowswhere?”

andthenmymindmadeitsfirstearnestefforttocomprehendwhathadbeeninfusedintoitconcerningheavenandhell;andforthefirsttimeitrecoiled,baffled;andforthefirsttimeglancingbehind,oneachside,andbeforeit,itsawallroundanunfathomedgulf:itfelttheonepointwhereitstood—thepresent;alltherestwasformlesscloudandvacantdepth;anditshudderedatthethoughtoftottering,andplungingamidthatchaos.whileponderingthisnewidea,iheardthefrontdooropen;mr.batescameout,andwithhimwasanurse.aftershehadseenhimmounthishorseanddepart,shewasabouttoclosethedoor,butiranuptoher.

“howishelenburns?”

“verypoorly,”wastheanswer.

“isithermr.bateshasbeentosee?”

“yes.”

“andwhatdoeshesayabouther?”

“hesaysshe’llnotbeherelong.”

thisphrase,utteredinmyhearingyesterday,wouldhaveonlyconveyedthenotionthatshewasabouttoberemovedtonorthumberland,toherownhome.ishouldnothavesuspectedthatitmeantshewasdying;butiknewinstantlynow!itopenedclearonmycomprehensionthathelenburnswasnumberingherlastdaysinthisworld,andthatshewasgoingtobetakentotheregionofspirits,ifsuchregiontherewere.iexperiencedashockofhorror,thenastrongthrillofgrief,thenadesire—anecessitytoseeher;andiaskedinwhatroomshelay.

“sheisinmisstemple’sroom,”saidthenurse.

“mayigoupandspeaktoher?”

“ohno,child!itisnotlikely;andnowitistimeforyoutocomein;you’llcatchthefeverifyoustopoutwhenthedewisfalling.”

thenurseclosedthefrontdoor;iwentinbythesideentrancewhichledtotheschoolroom:iwasjustintime;itwasnineo’clock,andmissmillerwascallingthepupilstogotobed.