第23章

第23章probably,ifihadlatelyleftagoodhomeandkindparents,thiswouldhavebeenthehourwhenishouldmostkeenlyhaveregrettedtheseparation;thatwindwouldthenhavesaddenedmyheart;thisobscurechaoswouldhavedisturbedmypeace!asitwas,iderivedfrombothastrangeexcitement,andrecklessandfeverish,iwishedthewindtohowlmorewildly,thegloomtodeepentodarkness,andtheconfusiontorisetoclamour.

jumpingoverforms,andcreepingundertables,imademywaytooneofthefire-places;there,kneelingbythehighwirefender,ifoundburns,absorbed,silent,abstractedfromallroundherbythecompanionshipofabook,whichshereadbythedimglareoftheembers.

“isitstill‘rasselas’?”iasked,comingbehindher.

“yes,”shesaid,“andihavejustfinishedit.”

andinfiveminutesmoresheshutitup.iwasgladofthis.“now,”thoughti,“icanperhapsgethertotalk.”isatdownbyheronthefloor.

“whatisyournamebesidesburns?”

“helen.”

“doyoucomealongwayfromhere?”

“icomefromaplacefarthernorth,quiteonthebordersofscotland.”

“willyouevergoback?”

“ihopeso;butnobodycanbesureofthefuture.”

“youmustwishtoleavelowood?”

“no!whyshouldi?iwassenttolowoodtogetaneducation;anditwouldbeofnousegoingawayuntilihaveattainedthatobject.”

“butthatteacher,missscatcherd,issocrueltoyou?”

“cruel?notatall!sheissevere:shedislikesmyfaults.”

“andifiwereinyourplaceishoulddislikeher;ishouldresisther.ifshestruckmewiththatrod,ishouldgetitfromherhand;ishouldbreakitunderhernose.”

“probablyyouwoulddonothingofthesort:butifyoudid,mr.brocklehurstwouldexpelyoufromtheschool;thatwouldbeagreatgrieftoyourrelations.itisfarbettertoendurepatientlyasmartwhichnobodyfeelsbutyourself,thantocommitahastyactionwhoseevilconsequenceswillextendtoallconnectedwithyou;andbesides,thebiblebidsusreturngoodforevil.”

“butthenitseemsdisgracefultobeed,andtobesenttostandinthemiddleofaroomfullofpeople;andyouaresuchagreatgirl:iamfaryoungerthanyou,andicouldnotbearit.”

“yetitwouldbeyourdutytobearit,ifyoucouldnotavoidit:itisweakandsillytosayyoucannotbearwhatitisyourfatetoberequiredtobear.”

iheardherwithwonder:icouldnotcomprehendthisdoctrineofendurance;andstilllesscouldiunderstandorsympathisewiththeforbearancesheexpressedforherchastiser.stillifeltthathelenburnsconsideredthingsbyalightinvisibletomyeyes.isuspectedshemightberightandiwrong;butiwouldnotponderthematterdeeply;likefelix,iputitofftoamoreconvenientseason.

“yousayyouhavefaults,helen:whatarethey?tomeyouseemverygood.”

“thenlearnfromme,nottojudgebyappearances:iam,asmissscatcherdsaid,slatternly;iseldomput,andneverkeep,things,inorder;iamcareless;iforgetrules;ireadwhenishouldlearnmylessons;ihavenomethod;andsometimesisay,likeyou,icannotbeartobesubjectedtosystematicarrangements.thisisallveryprovokingtomissscatcherd,whoisnaturallyneat,punctual,andparticular.”

“andcrossandcruel,”iadded;buthelenburnswouldnotadmitmyaddition:shekeptsilence.

“ismisstempleasseveretoyouasmissscatcherd?”

attheutteranceofmisstemple’sname,asoftsmileflittedoverhergraveface.

“misstempleisfullofgoodness;itpainshertobeseveretoanyone,eventheworstintheschool:sheseesmyerrors,andtellsmeofthemgently;and,ifidoanythingworthyofpraise,shegivesmemymeedliberally.onestrongproofofmywretchedlydefectivenatureis,thatevenherexpostulations,somild,sorational,havenotinfluencetocuremeofmyfaults;andevenherpraise,thoughivalueitmosthighly,cannotstimulatemetocontinuedcareandforesight.”

“thatiscurious,”saidi,“itissoeasytobecareful.”

“foryouihavenodoubtitis.iobservedyouinyourclassthismorning,andsawyouwerecloselyattentive:yourthoughtsneverseemedtowanderwhilemissmillerexplainedthelessonandquestionedyou.now,minecontinuallyroveaway;whenishouldbelisteningtomissscatcherd,andcollectingallshesayswithassiduity,oftenilosetheverysoundofhervoice;ifallintoasortofdream.sometimesithinkiaminnorthumberland,andthatthenoisesihearroundmearethebubblingofalittlebrookwhichrunsthroughdeepden,nearourhouse;—then,whenitcomestomyturntoreply,ihavetobeawakened;andhavingheardnothingofwhatwasreadforlisteningtothevisionarybrook,ihavenoanswerready.”

“yethowwellyourepliedthisafternoon.”

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