第36章

第36章iwenttomywindow,openedit,andlookedout.therewerethetwowingsofthebuilding;therewasthegarden;thereweretheskirtsoflowood;therewasthehillyhorizon.myeyepassedallotherobjectstorestonthosemostremote,thebluepeaks;itwasthoseilongedtosurmount;allwithintheirboundaryofrockandheathseemedprison-ground,exilelimits.itracedthewhiteroadwindingroundthebaseofonemountain,andvanishinginagorgebetweentwo;howilongedtofollowitfarther!irecalledthetimewhenihadtravelledthatveryroadinacoach;iremembereddescendingthathillattwilight;anageseemedtohaveelapsedsincethedaywhichbroughtmefirsttolowood,andihadneverquitteditsince.myvacationshadallbeenspentatschool:mrs.reedhadneversentformetogateshead;neithershenoranyofherfamilyhadeverbeentovisitme.ihadhadnocommunicationbyletterormessagewiththeouterworld:school-rules,school-duties,school-habitsandnotions,andvoices,andfaces,andphrases,andcostumes,andpreferences,andantipathies—suchwaswhatiknewofexistence.andnowifeltthatitwasnotenough;itiredoftheroutineofeightyearsinoneafternoon.idesiredliberty;forlibertyigasped;forlibertyiutteredaprayer;itseemedscatteredonthewindthenfaintlyblowing.iabandoneditandframedahumblersupplication;forchange,stimulus:thatpetition,too,seemedsweptoffintovaguespace:“then,”icried,halfdesperate,“grantmeatleastanewservitude!”

hereabell,ringingthehourofsupper,calledmedownstairs.

iwasnotfreetoresumetheinterruptedchainofmyreflectionstillbedtime:eventhenateacherwhooccupiedthesameroomwithmekeptmefromthesubjecttowhichilongedtorecur,byaprolongedeffusionofsmalltalk.howiwishedsleepwouldsilenceher.itseemedasif,couldibutgobacktotheideawhichhadlastenteredmymindasistoodatthewindow,someinventiveestionwouldriseformyrelief.

missgrycesnoredatlast;shewasaheavywelshwoman,andtillnowherhabitualnasalstrainshadneverbeenregardedbymeinanyotherlightthanasanuisance;to-nightihailedthefirstdeepnoteswithsatisfaction;iwasdebarrassedofinterruption;myhalf-effacedthoughtinstantlyrevived.

“anewservitude!thereissomethinginthat,”isoliloquised(mentally,beitunderstood;ididnottalkaloud),“iknowthereis,becauseitdoesnotsoundtoosweet;itisnotlikesuchwordsasliberty,excitement,enjoyment:delightfulsoundstruly;butnomorethansoundsforme;andsohollowandfleetingthatitismerewasteoftimetolistentothem.butservitude!thatmustbematteroffact.anyonemayserve:ihaveservedhereeightyears;nowalliwantistoserveelsewhere.caninotgetsomuchofmyownwill?isnotthethingfeasible?yes—yes—theendisnotsodifficult;ifihadonlyabrainactiveenoughtoferretoutthemeansofattainingit.”

isatupinbedbywayofarousingthissaidbrain:itwasachillynight;icoveredmyshoulderswithashawl,andtheniproceededtothinkagainwithallmymight.

“whatdoiwant?anewplace,inanewhouse,amongstnewfaces,undernewcircumstances:iwantthisbecauseitisofnousewantinganythingbetter.howdopeopledotogetanewplace?theyapplytofriends,isuppose:ihavenofriends.therearemanyotherswhohavenofriends,whomustlookaboutforthemselvesandbetheirownhelpers;andwhatistheirresource?”

icouldnottell:nothingansweredme;ithenorderedmybraintofindaresponse,andquickly.itworkedandworkedfaster:ifeltthepulsesthrobinmyheadandtemples;butfornearlyanhouritworkedinchaos;andnoresultcameofitsefforts.feverishwithvainlabour,igotupandtookaturnintheroom;undrewthecurtain,notedastarortwo,shiveredwithcold,andagaincrepttobed.

akindfairy,inmyabsence,hadsurelydroppedtherequiredestiononmypillow;forasilaydown,itcamequietlyandnaturallytomymind.—“thosewhowantsituationsadvertise;youmustadvertiseinthe—shireherald.”

“how?iknownothingaboutadvertising.”

repliesrosesmoothandpromptnow:—

“youmustenclosetheadvertisementandthemoneytopayforitunderacoverdirectedtotheeditoroftheherald;youmustputit,thefirstopportunityyouhave,intothepostatlowton;answersmustbeaddressedtoj.e.,atthepost-officethere;youcangoandinquireinaboutaweekafteryousendyourletter,ifanyarecome,andactaccordingly.”

thisschemeiwentovertwice,thrice;itwasthendigestedinmymind;ihaditinaclearpracticalform:ifeltsatisfied,andfellasleep.

withearliestday,iwasup:ihadmyadvertisementwritten,enclosed,anddirectedbeforethebellrangtorousetheschool;itranthus:—

“ayoungladyaccustomedtotuition”(hadinotbeenateachertwoyears?)“isdesirousofmeetingwithasituationinaprivatefamilywherethechildrenareunderfourteen(ithoughtthatasiwasbarelyeighteen,itwouldnotdotoundertaketheguidanceofpupilsnearermyownage).sheisqualifiedtoteachtheusualbranchesofagoodenglisheducation,togetherwithfrench,drawing,andmusic”(inthosedays,reader,thisnownarrowcatalogueofaccomplishments,wouldhavebeenheldtolerablycomprehensive).“address,j.e.,post-office,lowton,—shire.”

thisdocumentremainedlockedinmydrawerallday:aftertea,iaskedleaveofthenewsuperintendenttogotolowton,inordertoperformsomesmallcommissionsformyselfandoneortwoofmyfellow-teachers;permissionwasreadilygranted;iwent.itwasawalkoftwomiles,andtheeveningwaswet,butthedayswerestilllong;ivisitedashoportwo,slippedtheletterintothepost-office,andcamebackthroughheavyrain,withstreaminggarments,butwitharelievedheart.