第77章

第77章“yes,andhedidwell.nowiunderstandwhatitallmeansandsodoeszametov.…well,thefactis,rodya…thepointis…iamalittledrunknow.…butthat’s…nomatter…thepointisthatthisidea…youunderstand?wasjustbeinghatchedintheirbrains…youunderstand?thatis,nooneventuredtosayitaloud,becausetheideaistooabsurdandespeciallysincethearrestofthatpainter,thatbubble’sburstandgoneforever.butwhyaretheysuchfools?igavezametovabitofathrashingatthetime—that’sbetweenourselves,brother;pleasedon’tletoutahintthatyouknowofit;i’venoticedheisaticklishsubject;itwasatluiseivanovna’s.butto-day,to-dayit’sallclearedup.thatilyapetrovitchisatthebottomofit!hetookadvantageofyourfaintingatthepolicestation,butheisashamedofithimselfnow;iknowthat…”

raskolnikovlistenedgreedily.razumihinwasdrunkenoughtotalktoofreely.

“ifaintedthenbecauseitwassocloseandthesmellofpaint,”saidraskolnikov.

“noneedtoexplainthat!anditwasn’tthepaintonly:thefeverhadbeencomingonforamonth;zossimovtestifiestothat!buthowcrushedthatboyisnow,youwouldn’tbelieve!‘iamnotworthhislittlefinger,’hesays.yours,hemeans.hehasgoodfeelingsattimes,brother.butthelesson,thelessonyougavehimto-dayinthepalaisdecristal,thatwastoogoodforanything!youfrightenedhimatfirst,youknow,henearlywentintoconvulsions!youalmostconvincedhimagainofthetruthofallthathideousnonsense,andthenyousuddenly—putoutyourtongueathim:‘therenow,whatdoyoumakeofit?’itwasperfect!heiscrushed,annihilatednow!itwasmasterly,byjove,it’swhattheydeserve!ah,thatiwasn’tthere!hewashopingtoseeyouawfully.porfiry,too,wantstomakeyouracquaintance…”

“ah!…hetoo…butwhydidtheyputmedownasmad?”

“oh,notmad.imusthavesaidtoomuch,brother.…whatstruckhim,yousee,wasthatonlythatsubjectseemedtointerestyou;nowit’sclearwhyitdidinterestyou;knowingallthecircumstances…andhowthatirritatedyouandworkedinwithyourillness…iamalittledrunk,brother,only,confoundhim,hehassomeideaofhisown…itellyou,he’smadonmentaldiseases.butdon’tyoumindhim…”

forhalfaminutebothweresilent.

“listen,razumihin,”beganraskolnikov,“iwanttotellyouplainly:i’vejustbeenatadeath-bed,aclerkwhodied…igavethemallmymoney…andbesidesi’vejustbeenkissedbysomeonewho,ifihadkilledanyone,wouldjustthesame…infactisawsomeoneelsethere…withaflame-colouredfeather…butiamtalkingnonsense;iamveryweak,supportme…weshallbeatthestairsdirectly…”

“what’sthematter?what’sthematterwithyou?”razumihinaskedanxiously.

“iamalittlegiddy,butthat’snotthepoint,iamsosad,sosad…likeawoman.look,what’sthat?look,look!”

“whatisit?”

“don’tyousee?alightinmyroom,yousee?throughthecrack…”

theywerealreadyatthefootofthelastflightofstairs,atthelevelofthelandlady’sdoor,andtheycould,asafact,seefrombelowthattherewasalightinraskolnikov’sgarret.

“queer!nastasya,perhaps,”observedrazumihin.

“sheisneverinmyroomatthistimeandshemustbeinbedlongago,but…idon’tcare!good-bye!”

“whatdoyoumean?iamcomingwithyou,we’llcomeintogether!”

“iknowwearegoingintogether,butiwanttoshakehandshereandsaygood-byetoyouhere.sogivemeyourhand,good-bye!”

“what’sthematterwithyou,rodya?”

“nothing…comealong…youshallbewitness.”

theybeganmountingthestairs,andtheideastruckrazumihinthatperhapszossimovmightberightafterall.“ah,i’veupsethimwithmychatter!”hemutteredtohimself.

whentheyreachedthedoortheyheardvoicesintheroom.

“whatisit?”criedrazumihin.raskolnikovwasthefirsttoopenthedoor;heflungitwideandstoodstillinthedoorway,dumbfoundered.

hismotherandsisterweresittingonhissofaandhadbeenwaitinganhourandahalfforhim.whyhadheneverexpected,neverthoughtofthem,thoughthenewsthattheyhadstarted,wereontheirwayandwouldarriveimmediately,hadbeenrepeatedtohimonlythatday?theyhadspentthathourandahalfplyingnastasyawithquestions.shewasstandingbeforethemandhadtoldthemeverythingbynow.theywerebesidethemselveswithalarmwhentheyheardofhis“runningaway”to-day,illand,astheyunderstoodfromherstory,delirious!“goodheavens,whathadbecomeofhim?”bothhadbeenweeping,bothhadbeeninanguishforthathourandahalf.

acryofjoy,ofecstasy,greetedraskolnikov’sentrance.bothrushedtohim.buthestoodlikeonedead;asuddenintolerablesensationstruckhimlikeathunderbolt.hedidnotlifthisarmstoembracethem,hecouldnot.hismotherandsisterclaspedhimintheirarms,kissedhim,laughedandcried.hetookastep,totteredandfelltotheground,fainting.

anxiety,criesofhorror,moans…razumihinwhowasstandinginthedoorwayflewintotheroom,seizedthesickmaninhisstrongarmsandinamomenthadhimonthesofa.

“it’snothing,nothing!”hecriedtothemotherandsister—“it’sonlyafaint,ameretrifle!onlyjustnowthedoctorsaidhewasmuchbetter,thatheisperfectlywell!water!see,heiscomingtohimself,heisallrightagain!”

andseizingdouniabythearmsothathealmostdislocatedit,hemadeherbenddowntoseethat“heisallrightagain.”themotherandsisterlookedonhimwithemotionandgratitude,astheirprovidence.theyhadheardalreadyfromnastasyaallthathadbeendonefortheirrodyaduringhisillness,bythis“verycompetentyoungman,”aspulcheriaalexandrovnaraskolnikovcalledhimthateveninginconversationwithdounia.