第80章

第80章“yes,butit’snotso,notabitofit.hegavehimsomemedicine,apowder,isawit,andthenyourcominghere.…ah!itwouldhavebeenbetterifyouhadcometo-morrow.it’sagoodthingwewentaway.andinanhourzossimovhimselfwillreporttoyouabouteverything.heisnotdrunk!andishan’tbedrunk.…andwhatmademegetsotight?becausetheygotmeintoanargument,damnthem!i’veswornnevertoargue!theytalksuchtrash!ialmostcametoblows!i’veleftmyuncletopreside.wouldyoubelieve,theyinsistoncompleteabsenceofindividualismandthat’sjustwhattheyrelish!nottobethemselves,tobeasunlikethemselvesastheycan.that’swhattheyregardasthehighestpointofprogress.ifonlytheirnonsenseweretheirown,butasitis…”

“listen!”pulcheriaalexandrovnainterruptedtimidly,butitonlyaddedfueltotheflames.

“whatdoyouthink?”shoutedrazumihin,louderthanever,“youthinkiamattackingthemfortalkingnonsense?notabit!ilikethemtotalknonsense.that’sman’soneprivilegeoverallcreation.througherroryoucometothetruth!iamamanbecauseierr!youneverreachanytruthwithoutmakingfourteenmistakesandverylikelyahundredandfourteen.andafinething,too,initsway;butwecan’tevenmakemistakesonourownaccount!talknonsense,buttalkyourownnonsense,andi’llkissyouforit.togowronginone’sownwayisbetterthantogorightinsomeoneelse’s.inthefirstcaseyouareaman,inthesecondyou’renobetterthanabird.truthwon’tescapeyou,butlifecanbecramped.therehavebeenexamples.andwhatarewedoingnow?inscience,development,thought,invention,ideals,aims,liberalism,judgment,experienceandeverything,everything,everything,wearestillinthepreparatoryclassatschool.weprefertoliveonotherpeople’sideas,it’swhatweareusedto!amiright,amiright?”criedrazumihin,pressingandshakingthetwoladies’hands.

“oh,mercy,idonotknow,”criedpoorpulcheriaalexandrovna.

“yes,yes…thoughidon’tagreewithyouineverything,”addedavdotyaromanovnaearnestlyandatonceutteredacry,forhesqueezedherhandsopainfully.

“yes,yousayyes…wellafterthatyou…you…”hecriedinatransport,“youareafountofgoodness,purity,sense…andperfection.givemeyourhand…yougivemeyours,too!iwanttokissyourhandshereatonce,onmyknees…”andhefellonhiskneesonthepavement,fortunatelyatthattimedeserted.

“leaveoff,ientreatyou,whatareyoudoing?”pulcheriaalexandrovnacried,greatlydistressed.

“getup,getup!”saiddounialaughing,thoughshe,too,wasupset.

“notforanythingtillyouletmekissyourhands!that’sit!enough!igetupandwe’llgoon!iamalucklessfool,iamunworthyofyouanddrunk…andiamashamed.…iamnotworthytoloveyou,buttodohomagetoyouisthedutyofeverymanwhoisnotaperfectbeast!andi’vedonehomage.…hereareyourlodgings,andforthatalonerodyawasrightindrivingyourpyotrpetrovitchaway.…howdarehe!howdareheputyouinsuchlodgings!it’sascandal!doyouknowthesortofpeopletheytakeinhere?andyouhisbetrothed!youarehisbetrothed?yes?well,then,i’lltellyou,yourfianceisascoundrel.”

“excuseme,mr.razumihin,youareforgetting…”pulcheriaalexandrovnawasbeginning.

“yes,yes,youareright,ididforgetmyself,iamashamedofit,”razumihinmadehastetoapologise.“but…butyoucan’tbeangrywithmeforspeakingso!forispeaksincerelyandnotbecause…hm,hm!thatwouldbedisgraceful;infactnotbecausei’min…hm!well,anyway,iwon’tsaywhy,idaren’t.…butweallsawto-daywhenhecameinthatthatmanisnotofoursort.notbecausehehadhishaircurledatthebarber’s,notbecausehewasinsuchahurrytoshowhiswit,butbecauseheisaspy,aspeculator,becauseheisaskin-flintandabuffoon.that’sevident.doyouthinkhimclever?no,heisafool,afool.andisheamatchforyou?goodheavens!doyousee,ladies?”hestoppedsuddenlyonthewayupstairstotheirrooms,“thoughallmyfriendstherearedrunk,yettheyareallhonest,andthoughwedotalkalotoftrash,andido,too,yetweshalltalkourwaytothetruthatlast,forweareontherightpath,whilepyotrpetrovitch…isnotontherightpath.thoughi’vebeencallingthemallsortsofnamesjustnow,idorespectthemall…thoughidon’trespectzametov,ilikehim,forheisapuppy,andthatbullockzossimov,becauseheisanhonestmanandknowshiswork.butenough,it’sallsaidandforgiven.isitforgiven?well,then,let’sgoon.iknowthiscorridor,i’vebeenhere,therewasascandalhereatnumber3.…whereareyouhere?whichnumber?eight?well,lockyourselvesinforthenight,then.don’tletanybodyin.inaquarterofanhouri’llcomebackwithnews,andhalfanhourlateri’llbringzossimov,you’llsee!good-bye,i’llrun.”

“goodheavens,dounia,whatisgoingtohappen?”saidpulcheriaalexandrovna,addressingherdaughterwithanxietyanddismay.

“don’tworryyourself,mother,”saiddounia,takingoffherhatandcape.“godhassentthisgentlemantoouraid,thoughhehascomefromadrinkingparty.wecandependonhim,iassureyou.andallthathehasdoneforrodya.…”

“ah.dounia,goodnessknowswhetherhewillcome!howcouldibringmyselftoleaverodya?…andhowdifferent,howdifferentihadfanciedourmeeting!howsullenhewas,asthoughnotpleasedtoseeus.…”

tearscameintohereyes.

“no,it’snotthat,mother.youdidn’tsee,youwerecryingallthetime.heisquiteunhingedbyseriousillness—that’sthereason.”

“ah,thatillness!whatwillhappen,whatwillhappen?andhowhetalkedtoyou,dounia!”saidthemother,lookingtimidlyatherdaughter,tryingtoreadherthoughtsand,alreadyhalfconsoledbydounia’sstandingupforherbrother,whichmeantthatshehadalreadyforgivenhim.“iamsurehewillthinkbetterofitto-morrow,”sheadded,probingherfurther.