第177章

第177章“whoami?iamamanwithnothingtohopefor,that’sall.amanperhapsoffeelingandsympathy,maybeofsomeknowledgetoo,butmydayisover.butyouareadifferentmatter,thereislifewaitingforyou.though,whoknows?maybeyourlife,too,willpassoffinsmokeandcometonothing.come,whatdoesitmatter,thatyouwillpassintoanotherclassofmen?it’snotcomfortyouregret,withyourheart!whatofitthatperhapsnoonewillseeyouforsolong?it’snottime,butyourselfthatwilldecidethat.bethesunandallwillseeyou.thesunhasbeforealltobethesun.whyareyousmilingagain?atmybeingsuchaschiller?ibetyou’reimaginingthatiamtryingtogetroundyoubyflattery.well,perhapsiam,he-he-he!perhapsyou’dbetternotbelievemyword,perhapsyou’dbetterneverbelieveitaltogether—i’mmadethatway,iconfessit.butletmeadd,youcanjudgeforyourself,ithink,howfariamabasesortofmanandhowfariamhonest.”

“whendoyoumeantoarrestme?”

“well,icanletyouwalkaboutanotherdayortwo.thinkitover,mydearfellow,andpraytogod.it’smoreinyourinterest,believeme.”

“andwhatifirunaway?”askedraskolnikovwithastrangesmile.

“no,youwon’trunaway.apeasantwouldrunaway,afashionabledissenterwouldrunaway,theflunkeyofanotherman’sthought,foryou’veonlytoshowhimtheendofyourlittlefingerandhe’llbereadytobelieveinanythingfortherestofhislife.butyou’veceasedtobelieveinyourtheoryalready,whatwillyourunawaywith?andwhatwouldyoudoinhiding?itwouldbehatefulanddifficultforyou,andwhatyouneedmorethananythinginlifeisadefiniteposition,anatmospheretosuityou.andwhatsortofatmospherewouldyouhave?ifyouranaway,you’dcomebacktoyourself.youcan’tgetonwithoutus.andifiputyouinprison—sayyou’vebeenthereamonth,ortwo,orthree—remembermyword,you’llconfessofyourselfandperhapstoyourownsurprise.youwon’tknowanhourbeforehandthatyouarecomingwithaconfession.iamconvincedthatyouwilldecide,‘totakeyoursuffering.’youdon’tbelievemywordsnow,butyou’llcometoitofyourself.forsuffering,rodionromanovitch,isagreatthing.nevermindmyhavinggrownfat,iknowallthesame.don’tlaughatit,there’sanideainsuffering,nokolayisright.no,youwon’trunaway,rodionromanovitch.”

raskolnikovgotupandtookhiscap.porfirypetrovitchalsorose.

“areyougoingforawalk?theeveningwillbefine,ifonlywedon’thaveastorm.thoughitwouldbeagoodthingtofreshentheair.”

he,too,tookhiscap.

“porfirypetrovitch,pleasedon’ttakeupthenotionthatihaveconfessedtoyouto-day,”raskolnikovpronouncedwithsulleninsistence.“you’reastrangemanandihavelistenedtoyoufromsimplecuriosity.butihaveadmittednothing,rememberthat!”

“oh,iknowthat,i’llremember.lookathim,he’strembling!don’tbeuneasy,mydearfellow,haveityourownway.walkaboutabit,youwon’tbeabletowalktoofar.ifanythinghappens,ihaveonerequesttomakeofyou,”headded,droppinghisvoice.“it’sanawkwardone,butimportant.ifanythingweretohappen(thoughindeedidon’tbelieveinitandthinkyouquiteincapableofit),yetincaseyouweretakenduringthesefortyorfiftyhourswiththenotionofputtinganendtothebusinessinsomeotherway,insomefantasticfashion—layinghandsonyourself—(it’sanabsurdproposition,butyoumustforgivemeforit)doleaveabriefbutprecisenote,onlytwolines,andmentionthestone.itwillbemoregenerous.come,tillwemeet!goodthoughtsandsounddecisionstoyou!”

porfirywentout,stoopingandavoidinglookingatraskolnikov.thelatterwenttothewindowandwaitedwithirritableimpatiencetillhecalculatedthatporfiryhadreachedthestreetandmovedaway.thenhetoowenthurriedlyoutoftheroom.

1areligioussect.—translator’snote.