第161章

第161章“perhapsi’vebeenunfairtomyself,”heobservedgloomily,pondering,“perhapsafteralliamamanandnotalouseandi’vebeenintoogreatahurrytocondemnmyself.i’llmakeanotherfightforit.”

ahaughtysmileappearedonhislips.

“whataburdentobear!andyourwholelife,yourwholelife!”

“ishallgetusedtoit,”hesaidgrimlyandthoughtfully.“listen,”hebeganaminutelater,“stopcrying,it’stimetotalkofthefacts:i’vecometotellyouthatthepoliceareafterme,onmytrack.…”

“ach!”soniacriedinterror.

“well,whydoyoucryout?youwantmetogotosiberiaandnowyouarefrightened?butletmetellyou:ishallnotgivemyselfup.ishallmakealeforitandtheywon’tdoanythingtome.they’venorealevidence.yesterdayiwasingreatdangerandbelievediwaslost;butto-daythingsaregoingbetter.allthefactstheyknowcanbeexplainedtwoways,that’stosayicanturntheiraccusationstomycredit,doyouunderstand?andishall,fori’velearntmylesson.buttheywillcertainlyarrestme.ifithadnotbeenforsomethingthathappened,theywouldhavedonesoto-dayforcertain;perhapsevennowtheywillarrestmeto-day.…butthat’snomatter,sonia;they’llletmeoutagain…forthereisn’tanyrealproofagainstme,andtherewon’tbe,igiveyoumywordforit.andtheycan’tconvictamanonwhattheyhaveagainstme.enough.…ionlytellyouthatyoumayknow.…iwilltrytomanagesomehowtoputittomymotherandsistersothattheywon’tbefrightened.…mysister’sfutureissecure,however,now,ibelieve…andmymother’smustbetoo.…well,that’sall.becareful,though.willyoucomeandseemeinprisonwheniamthere?”

“oh,iwill,iwill.”

theysatsidebyside,bothmournfulanddejected,asthoughtheyhadbeencastupbythetempestaloneonsomedesertedshore.helookedatsoniaandfelthowgreatwasherloveforhim,andstrangetosayhefeltitsuddenlyburdensomeandpainfultobesoloved.yes,itwasastrangeandawfulsensation!onhiswaytoseesoniahehadfeltthatallhishopesrestedonher;heexpectedtoberidofatleastpartofhissuffering,andnow,whenallherheartturnedtowardshim,hesuddenlyfeltthathewasimmeasurablyunhappierthanbefore.

“sonia,”hesaid,“you’dbetternotcomeandseemewheniaminprison.”

soniadidnotanswer,shewascrying.severalminutespassed.

“haveyouacrossonyou?”sheasked,asthoughsuddenlythinkingofit.

hedidnotatfirstunderstandthequestion.

“no,ofcoursenot.here,takethisone,ofcypresswood.ihaveanother,acopperonethatbelongedtolizaveta.ichangedwithlizaveta:shegavemehercrossandigavehermylittleikon.iwillwearlizaveta’snowandgiveyouthis.takeit…it’smine!it’smine,youknow,”sheedhim.“wewillgotosuffertogether,andtogetherwewillbearourcross!”

“giveitme,”saidraskolnikov.

hedidnotwanttohurtherfeelings.butimmediatelyhedrewbackthehandheheldoutforthecross.

“notnow,sonia.betterlater,”headdedtocomforther.

“yes,yes,better,”sherepeatedwithconviction,“whenyougotomeetyoursuffering,thenputiton.youwillcometome,i’llputitonyou,wewillprayandgotogether.”

atthatmomentsomeoneknockedthreetimesatthedoor.

“sofyasemyonovna,mayicomein?”theyheardinaveryfamiliarandpolitevoice.

soniarushedtothedoorinafright.theflaxenheadofmr.lebeziatnikovappearedatthedoor.