第160章

第160章“ach,sonia!”hecriedirritablyandseemedabouttomakesomeretort,butwascontemptuouslysilent.“don’tinterruptme,sonia.iwanttoproveonethingonly,thatthedevilledmeonthenandhehasshownmesincethatihadnottherighttotakethatpath,becauseiamjustsuchalouseasalltherest.hewasmockingmeandherei’vecometoyounow!welcomeyourguest!ifiwerenotalouse,shouldihavecometoyou?listen:wheniwentthentotheoldwoman’sionlywenttotry.…youmaybesureofthat!”

“andyoumurderedher!”

“buthowdidimurderher?isthathowmendomurders?domengotocommitamurderasiwentthen?iwilltellyousomedayhowiwent!didimurdertheoldwoman?imurderedmyself,nother!icrushedmyselfonceforall,forever.…butitwasthedevilthatkilledthatoldwoman,noti.enough,enough,sonia,enough!letmebe!”hecriedinasuddenspasmofagony,“letmebe!”

heleanedhiselbowsonhiskneesandsqueezedhisheadinhishandsasinavise.

“whatsuffering!”awailofanguishbrokefromsonia.

“well,whatamitodonow?”heasked,suddenlyraisinghisheadandlookingatherwithafacehideouslydistortedbydespair.

“whatareyoutodo?”shecried,jumpingup,andhereyesthathadbeenfulloftearssuddenlybegantoshine.“standup!”(sheseizedhimbytheshoulder,hegotup,lookingatheralmostbewildered.)“goatonce,thisveryminute,standatthecross-roads,bowdown,firstkisstheearthwhichyouhavedefiledandthenbowdowntoalltheworldandsaytoallmenaloud,‘iamamurderer!’thengodwillsendyoulifeagain.willyougo,willyougo?”sheaskedhim,tremblingallover,snatchinghistwohands,squeezingthemtightinhersandgazingathimwitheyesfulloffire.

hewasamazedathersuddenecstasy.

“youmeansiberia,sonia?imustgivemyselfup?”heaskedgloomily.

“sufferandexpiateyoursinbyit,that’swhatyoumustdo.”

“no!iamnotgoingtothem,sonia!”

“buthowwillyougoonliving?whatwillyoulivefor?”criedsonia,“howisitpossiblenow?why,howcanyoutalktoyourmother?(oh,whatwillbecomeofthemnow?)butwhatamisaying?youhaveabandonedyourmotherandyoursisteralready.hehasabandonedthemalready!oh,god!”shecried,“why,heknowsitallhimself.how,howcanhelivebyhimself!whatwillbecomeofyounow?”

“don’tbeachild,sonia,”hesaidsoftly.“whatwronghaveidonethem?whyshouldigotothem?whatshouldisaytothem?that’sonlyaphantom.…theydestroymenbymillionsthemselvesandlookonitasavirtue.theyareknavesandscoundrels,sonia!iamnotgoingtothem.andwhatshouldisaytothem—thatimurderedher,butdidnotdaretotakethemoneyandhiditunderastone?”headdedwithabittersmile.“why,theywouldlaughatme,andwouldcallmeafoolfornotgettingit.acowardandafool!theywouldn’tunderstandandtheydon’tdeservetounderstand.whyshouldigotothem?iwon’t.don’tbeachild,sonia.…”

“itwillbetoomuchforyoutobear,toomuch!”sherepeated,holdingoutherhandsindespairingsupplication.