第159章 - 罪与罚 - 佚名 - 都市言情小说 - 30读书
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第159章

第159章“no,sonia,that’snotit,”hebeganagainsuddenly,raisinghishead,asthoughanewandsuddentrainofthoughthadstruckandasitwererousedhim—“that’snotit!better…imagine—yes,it’scertainlybetter—imaginethatiamvain,envious,malicious,base,vindictiveand…well,perhapswithatendencytoinsanity.(let’shaveitalloutatonce!they’vetalkedofmadnessalready,inoticed.)itoldyoujustnowicouldnotkeepmyselfattheuniversity.butdoyouknowthatperhapsimighthavedone?mymotherwouldhavesentmewhatineededforthefeesandicouldhaveearnedenoughforclothes,bootsandfood,nodoubt.lessonshadturnedupathalfarouble.razumihinworks!butiturnedsulkyandwouldn’t.(yes,sulkiness,that’stherightwordforit!)isatinmyroomlikeaspider.you’vebeeninmyden,you’veseenit.…anddoyouknow,sonia,thatlowceilingsandtinyroomscrampthesoulandthemind?ah,howihatedthatgarret!andyetiwouldn’tgooutofit!iwouldn’tonpurpose!ididn’tgooutfordaystogether,andiwouldn’twork,iwouldn’teveneat,ijustlaytheredoingnothing.ifnastasyabroughtmeanything,iateit,ifshedidn’t,iwentalldaywithout;iwouldn’task,onpurpose,fromsulkiness!atnightihadnolight,ilayinthedarkandiwouldn’tearnmoneyforcandles.ioughttohavestudied,butisoldmybooks;andthedustliesaninchthickonthenotebooksonmytable.ipreferredlyingstillandthinking.andikeptthinking.…andihaddreamsallthetime,strangedreamsofallsorts,noneedtodescribe!onlythenibegantofancythat…no,that’snotit!againiamtellingyouwrong!youseeikeptaskingmyselfthen:whyamisostupidthatifothersarestupid—andiknowtheyare—yetiwon’tbewiser?thenisaw,sonia,thatifonewaitsforeveryonetogetwiseritwilltaketoolong.…afterwardsiunderstoodthatthatwouldnevercometopass,thatmenwon’tchangeandthatnobodycanalteritandthatit’snotworthwastingeffortoverit.yes,that’sso.that’sthelawoftheirnature,sonia,…that’sso!…andiknownow,sonia,thatwhoeverisstronginmindandspiritwillhavepoweroverthem.anyonewhoisgreatlydaringisrightintheireyes.hewhodespisesmostthingswillbealawgiveramongthemandhewhodaresmostofallwillbemostintheright!soithasbeentillnowandsoitwillalwaysbe.amanmustbeblindnottoseeit!”

thoughraskolnikovlookedatsoniaashesaidthis,henolongercaredwhethersheunderstoodornot.thefeverhadcompleteholdofhim;hewasinasortofgloomyecstasy(hecertainlyhadbeentoolongwithouttalkingtoanyone).soniafeltthathisgloomycreedhadbecomehisfaithandcode.

“idivinedthen,sonia,”hewentoneagerly,“thatpowerisonlyvouchsafedtothemanwhodarestostoopandpickitup.thereisonlyonething,onethingneedful:onehasonlytodare!thenforthefirsttimeinmylifeanideatookshapeinmymindwhichnoonehadeverthoughtofbeforeme,noone!isawclearasdaylighthowstrangeitisthatnotasinglepersonlivinginthismadworldhashadthedaringtogostraightforitallandsenditflyingtothedevil!i…iwantedtohavethedaring…andikilledher.ionlywantedtohavethedaring,sonia!thatwasthewholecauseofit!”

“ohhush,hush,”criedsonia,claspingherhands.“youturnedawayfromgodandgodhassmittenyou,hasgivenyouovertothedevil!”

“thensonia,wheniusedtoliethereinthedarkandallthisbecamecleartome,wasitatemptationofthedevil,eh?”

“hush,don’tlaugh,blasphemer!youdon’tunderstand,youdon’tunderstand!ohgod!hewon’tunderstand!”

“hush,sonia!iamnotlaughing.iknowmyselfthatitwasthedevilleadingme.hush,sonia,hush!”herepeatedwithgloomyinsistence.“iknowitall,ihavethoughtitalloverandoverandwhispereditallovertomyself,lyingthereinthedark.…i’veargueditalloverwithmyself,everypointofit,andiknowitall,all!andhowsick,howsickiwasthenofgoingoveritall!ihavekeptwantingtoforgetitandmakeanewbeginning,sonia,andleaveoffthinking.andyoudon’tsupposethatiwentintoitheadlonglikeafool?iwentintoitlikeawiseman,andthatwasjustmydestruction.andyoumustn’tsupposethatididn’tknow,forinstance,thatifibegantoquestionmyselfwhetherihadtherighttogainpower—icertainlyhadn’ttheright—orthatifiaskedmyselfwhetherahumanbeingisalouseitprovedthatitwasn’tsoforme,thoughitmightbeforamanwhowouldgostraighttohisgoalwithoutaskingquestions.…ifiworriedmyselfallthosedays,wonderingwhethernapoleonwouldhavedoneitornot,ifeltclearlyofcoursethatiwasn’tnapoleon.ihadtoendurealltheagonyofthatbattleofideas,sonia,andilongedtothrowitoff:iwantedtomurderwithoutcasuistry,tomurderformyownsake,formyselfalone!ididn’twanttolieaboutiteventomyself.itwasn’ttohelpmymotherididthemurder—that’snonsense—ididn’tdothemurdertogainwealthandpowerandtobecomeabenefactorofmankind.nonsense!isimplydidit;ididthemurderformyself,formyselfalone,andwhetheribecameabenefactortoothers,orspentmylifelikeaspidercatchingmeninmywebandsuckingthelifeoutofmen,icouldn’thavecaredatthatmoment.…anditwasnotthemoneyiwanted,sonia,whenididit.itwasnotsomuchthemoneyiwanted,butsomethingelse.…iknowitallnow.…understandme!perhapsishouldneverhavecommittedamurderagain.iwantedtofindoutsomethingelse;itwassomethingelseledmeon.iwantedtofindoutthenandquicklywhetheriwasalouselikeeverybodyelseoraman.whethericanstepoverbarriersornot,whetheridarestooptopickupornot,whetheriamatremblingcreatureorwhetherihavetheright…”

“tokill?havetherighttokill?”soniaclaspedherhands.

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