第158章

第158章“you’llunderstand?verywell,weshallsee!”hepausedandwasforsometimelostinmeditation.

“itwaslikethis:iaskedmyselfonedaythisquestion—whatifnapoleon,forinstance,hadhappenedtobeinmyplace,andifhehadnothadtoulonnoregyptnorthepassageofmontblanctobeginhiscareerwith,butinsteadofallthosepicturesqueandmonumentalthings,therehadsimplybeensomeridiculousoldhag,apawnbroker,whohadtobemurderedtootogetmoneyfromhertrunk(forhiscareer,youunderstand).well,wouldhehavebroughthimselftothatiftherehadbeennoothermeans?wouldn’thehavefeltapangatitsbeingsofarfrommonumentaland…andsinful,too?well,imusttellyouthatiworriedmyselffearfullyoverthat‘question’sothatiwasawfullyashamedwheniguessedatlast(allofasudden,somehow)thatitwouldnothavegivenhimtheleastpang,thatitwouldnotevenhavestruckhimthatitwasnotmonumental…thathewouldnothaveseenthattherewasanythinginittopauseover,andthat,ifhehadhadnootherway,hewouldhavestrangledherinaminutewithoutthinkingaboutit!well,itoo…leftoffthinkingaboutit…murderedher,followinghisexample.andthat’sexactlyhowitwas!doyouthinkitfunny?yes,sonia,thefunniestthingofallisthatperhapsthat’sjusthowitwas.”

soniadidnotthinkitatallfunny.

“youhadbettertellmestraightout…withoutexamples,”sheed,stillmoretimidlyandscarcelyaudibly.

heturnedtoher,lookedsadlyatherandtookherhands.

“youarerightagain,sonia.ofcoursethat’sallnonsense,it’salmostalltalk!yousee,youknowofcoursethatmymotherhasscarcelyanything,mysisterhappenedtohaveagoodeducationandwascondemnedtodrudgeasagoverness.alltheirhopeswerecenteredonme.iwasastudent,buticouldn’tkeepmyselfattheuniversityandwasforcedforatimetoleaveit.evenifihadlingeredonlikethat,intenortwelveyearsimight(withluck)hopetobesomesortofteacherorclerkwithasalaryofathousandroubles”(herepeateditasthoughitwerealesson)“andbythattimemymotherwouldbewornoutwithgriefandanxietyandicouldnoteedinkeepingherincomfortwhilemysister…well,mysistermightwellhavefaredworse!andit’sahardthingtopasseverythingbyallone’slife,toturnone’sbackuponeverything,toforgetone’smotheranddecorouslyaccepttheinsultsinflictedonone’ssister.whyshouldone?whenonehasburiedthemtoburdenoneselfwithothers—wifeandchildren—andtoleavethemagainwithoutafarthing?soiresolvedtogainpossessionoftheoldwoman’smoneyandtouseitformyfirstyearswithoutworryingmymother,tokeepmyselfattheuniversityandforalittlewhileafterleavingit—andtodothisallonabroad,thoroughscale,soastobuildupacompletelynewcareerandenteruponanewlifeofindependence.…well…that’sall.…well,ofcourseinkillingtheoldwomanididwrong.…well,that’senough.”

heledtotheendofhisspeechinexhaustionandlethisheadsink.

“oh,that’snotit,that’snotit,”soniacriedindistress.“howcouldone…no,that’snotright,notright.”

“youseeyourselfthatit’snotright.buti’vespokentruly,it’sthetruth.”

“asthoughthatcouldbethetruth!goodgod!”

“i’veonlykilledalouse,sonia,auseless,loathsome,harmfulcreature.”

“ahumanbeing—alouse!”

“itooknowitwasn’talouse,”heanswered,lookingstrangelyather.“butiamtalkingnonsense,sonia,”headded.“i’vebeentalkingnonsensealongtime.…that’snotit,youarerightthere.therewerequite,quiteothercausesforit!ihaven’ttalkedtoanyoneforsolong,sonia.…myheadachesdreadfullynow.”

hiseyesshonewithfeverishbrilliance.hewasalmostdelirious;anuneasysmilestrayedonhislips.histerribleexhaustioncouldbeseenthroughhisexcitement.soniasawhowhewassuffering.shetoowasgrowingdizzy.andhetalkedsostrangely;itseemedsomehowcomprehensible,butyet…“buthow,how!goodgod!”andshewrungherhandsindespair.