第157章

第157章“youareastrangegirl,sonia—youkissmeandhugmewhenitellyouaboutthat.…youdon’tthinkwhatyouaredoing.”

“thereisnoone—nooneinthewholeworldnowsounhappyasyou!”shecriedinafrenzy,nothearingwhathesaid,andshesuddenlybrokeintoviolenthystericalweeping.

afeelinglongunfamiliartohimfloodedhisheartandsofteneditatonce.hedidnotleagainstit.twotearsstartedintohiseyesandhungonhiseyelashes.

“thenyouwon’tleaveme,sonia?”hesaid,lookingatheralmostwithhope.

“no,no,never,nowhere!”criedsonia.“iwillfollowyou,iwillfollowyoueverywhere.oh,mygod!oh,howmiserableiam!…why,whydidn’tiknowyoubefore!whydidn’tyoucomebefore?oh,dear!”

“hereihavecome.”

“yes,now!what’stobedonenow?…together,together!”sherepeatedasitwereunconsciously,andsheedhimagain.“i’llfollowyoutosiberia!”

herecoiledatthis,andthesamehostile,almosthaughtysmilecametohislips.

“perhapsidon’twanttogotosiberiayet,sonia,”hesaid.

sonialookedathimquickly.

againafterherfirstpassionate,agonisingsympathyfortheunhappymantheterribleideaofthemurderoverwhelmedher.inhischangedtonesheseemedtohearthemurdererspeaking.shelookedathimbewildered.sheknewnothingasyet,why,how,withwhatobjectithadbeen.nowallthesequestionsrushedatonceintohermind.andagainshecouldnotbelieveit:“he,heisamurderer!coulditbetrue?”

“what’sthemeaningofit?whereami?”shesaidincompletebewilderment,asthoughstillunabletorecoverherself.“howcouldyou,you,amanlikeyou.…howcouldyoubringyourselftoit?…whatdoesitmean?”

“oh,well—toplunder.leaveoff,sonia,”heansweredwearily,almostwithvexation.

soniastoodasthoughstruckdumb,butsuddenlyshecried:

“youwerehungry!itwas…tohelpyourmother?yes?”

“no,sonia,no,”hemuttered,turningawayandhanginghishead.“iwasnotsohungry.…icertainlydidwanttohelpmymother,but…that’snottherealthingeither.…don’ttortureme,sonia.”

soniaclaspedherhands.

“couldit,coulditallbetrue?goodgod,whatatruth!whocouldbelieveit?andhowcouldyougiveawayyourlastfarthingandyetrobandmurder!ah,”shecriedsuddenly,“thatmoneyyougavekaterinaivanovna…thatmoney.…canthatmoney…”

“no,sonia,”hebrokeinhurriedly,“thatmoneywasnotit.don’tworryyourself!thatmoneymymothersentmeanditcamewheniwasill,thedayigaveittoyou.…razumihinsawit…hereceiveditforme.…thatmoneywasmine—myown.”

sonialistenedtohiminbewildermentanddidherutmosttocomprehend.

“andthatmoney.…idon’tevenknowreallywhethertherewasanymoney,”headdedsoftly,asthoughreflecting.“itookapurseoffherneck,madeofchamoisleather…apursestuffedfullofsomething…butididn’tlookinit;isupposeihadn’ttime.…andthethings—chainsandtrinkets—iburiedunderastonewiththepursenextmorninginayardoffthev——prospect.theyarealltherenow.…”

soniastrainedeverynervetolisten.

“thenwhy…why,yousaidyoudidittorob,butyoutooknothing?”sheaskedquickly,catchingatastraw.

“idon’tknow.…ihaven’tyetdecidedwhethertotakethatmoneyornot,”hesaid,musingagain;and,seemingtowakeupwithastart,hegaveabriefironicalsmile.“ach,whatsillystuffiamtalking,eh?”

thethoughtflashedthroughsonia’smind,wasn’themad?butshedismisseditatonce.“no,itwassomethingelse.”shecouldmakenothingofit,nothing.

“doyouknow,sonia,”hesaidsuddenlywithconviction,“letmetellyou:ifi’dsimplykilledbecauseiwashungry,”layingstressoneverywordandlookingenigmaticallybutsincerelyather,“ishouldbehappynow.youmustbelievethat!whatwoulditmattertoyou,”hecriedamomentlaterwithasortofdespair,“whatwoulditmattertoyouifiweretoconfessthatididwrong?whatdoyougainbysuchastupidtriumphoverme?ah,sonia,wasitforthati’vecometoyouto-day?”

againsoniatriedtosaysomething,butdidnotspeak.

“iaskedyoutogowithmeyesterdaybecauseyouareallihaveleft.”

“gowhere?”askedsoniatimidly.

“nottostealandnottomurder,don’tbeanxious,”hesmiledbitterly.“wearesodifferent.…andyouknow,sonia,it’sonlynow,onlythismomentthatiunderstandwhereiaskedyoutogowithmeyesterday!yesterdaywhenisaiditididnotknowwhere.iaskedyouforonething,icametoyouforonething—nottoleaveme.youwon’tleaveme,sonia?”

shesqueezedhishand.

“andwhy,whydiditellher?whydidiletherknow?”hecriedaminutelaterindespair,lookingwithinfiniteanguishather.“hereyouexpectanexplanationfromme,sonia;youaresittingandwaitingforit,iseethat.butwhatcanitellyou?youwon’tunderstandandwillonlysuffermisery…onmyaccount!well,youarecryingandembracingmeagain.whydoyoudoit?becauseicouldn’tbearmyburdenandhavecometothrowitonanother:yousuffertoo,andishallfeelbetter!andcanyoulovesuchameanwretch?”

“butaren’tyousuffering,too?”criedsonia.

againawaveofthesamefeelingsurgedintohisheart,andagainforaninstantsoftenedit.

“sonia,ihaveabadheart,takenoteofthat.itmayexplainagreatdeal.ihavecomebecauseiambad.therearemenwhowouldn’thavecome.butiamacowardand…ameanwretch.but…nevermind!that’snotthepoint.imustspeaknow,butidon’tknowhowtobegin.”

hepausedandsankintothought.

“ach,wearesodifferent,”hecriedagain,“wearenotalike.andwhy,whydidicome?ishallneverforgivemyselfthat.”

“no,no,itwasagoodthingyoucame,”criedsonia.“it’sbetterishouldknow,farbetter!”

helookedatherwithanguish.

“whatifitwerereallythat?”hesaid,asthoughreachingaconclusion.“yes,that’swhatitwas!iwantedtobecomeanapoleon,thatiswhyikilledher.…doyouunderstandnow?”

“n-no,”soniawhisperednaivelyandtimidly.“onlyspeak,speak,ishallunderstand,ishallunderstandinmyself!”shekeptinghim.