第156章

第156章hetriedtosmile,buttherewassomethinghelplessandincompleteinhispalesmile.hebowedhisheadandhidhisfaceinhishands.

andsuddenlyastrange,surprisingsensationofasortofbitterhatredforsoniapassedthroughhisheart.asitwerewonderingandfrightenedofthissensation,heraisedhisheadandlookedintentlyather;buthemetheruneasyandpainfullyanxiouseyesfixedonhim;therewasloveinthem;hishatredvanishedlikeaphantom.itwasnottherealfeeling;hehadtakentheonefeelingfortheother.itonlymeantthatthatminutehadcome.

hehidhisfaceinhishandsagainandbowedhishead.suddenlyheturnedpale,gotupfromhischair,lookedatsonia,andwithoututteringawordsatdownmechanicallyonherbed.

hissensationsthatmomentwereterriblylikethemomentwhenhehadstoodovertheoldwomanwiththeaxeinhishandandfeltthat“hemustnotloseanotherminute.”

“what’sthematter?”askedsonia,dreadfullyfrightened.

hecouldnotutteraword.thiswasnotatall,notatallthewayhehadintendedto“tell”andhedidnotunderstandwhatwashappeningtohimnow.shewentuptohim,softly,satdownonthebedbesidehimandwaited,nottakinghereyesoffhim.herheartthrobbedandsank.itwasunendurable;heturnedhisdeadlypalefacetoher.hislipsworked,helplesslylingtouttersomething.apangofterrorpassedthroughsonia’sheart.

“what’sthematter?”sherepeated,drawingalittleawayfromhim.

“nothing,sonia,don’tbefrightened.…it’snonsense.itreallyisnonsense,ifyouthinkofit,”hemuttered,likeamanindelirium.“whyhaveicometotortureyou?”headdedsuddenly,lookingather.“why,really?ikeepaskingmyselfthatquestion,sonia.…”

hehadperhapsbeenaskinghimselfthatquestionaquarterofanhourbefore,butnowhespokehelplessly,hardlyknowingwhathesaidandfeelingacontinualtremorallover.

“oh,howyouaresuffering!”shemutteredindistress,lookingintentlyathim.

“it’sallnonsense.…listen,sonia.”hesuddenlysmiled,apalehelplesssmilefortwoseconds.“yourememberwhatimeanttotellyouyesterday?”

soniawaiteduneasily.

“isaidasiwentawaythatperhapsiwassayinggood-byeforever,butthatificameto-dayiwouldtellyouwho…whokilledlizaveta.”

shebegantremblingallover.

“well,herei’vecometotellyou.”

“thenyoureallymeantityesterday?”shewhisperedwithdifficulty.“howdoyouknow?”sheaskedquickly,asthoughsuddenlyregainingherreason.

sonia’sfacegrewpalerandpaler,andshebreathedpainfully.

“iknow.”

shepausedaminute.

“havetheyfoundhim?”sheaskedtimidly.

“no.”

“thenhowdoyouknowaboutit?”sheaskedagain,hardlyaudiblyandagainafteraminute’spause.

heturnedtoherandlookedveryintentlyather.

“guess,”hesaid,withthesamedistortedhelplesssmile.

ashudderpassedoverher.

“butyou…whydoyoufrightenmelikethis?”shesaid,smilinglikeachild.

“imustbeagreatfriendofhis…sinceiknow,”raskolnikovwenton,stillgazingintoherface,asthoughhecouldnotturnhiseyesaway.“he…didnotmeantokillthatlizaveta…he…killedheraccidentally.…hemeanttokilltheoldwomanwhenshewasaloneandhewentthere…andthenlizavetacamein…hekilledhertoo.”

anotherawfulmomentpassed.bothstillgazedatoneanother.

“youcan’tguess,then?”heaskedsuddenly,feelingasthoughhewereflinginghimselfdownfromasteeple.

“n-no…”whisperedsonia.

“takeagoodlook.”

assoonashehadsaidthisagain,thesamefamiliarsensationfrozehisheart.helookedatherandallatonceseemedtoseeinherfacethefaceoflizaveta.herememberedclearlytheexpressioninlizaveta’sface,whenheapproachedherwiththeaxeandshesteppedbacktothewall,puttingoutherhand,withchildishterrorinherface,lookingaslittlechildrendowhentheybegintobefrightenedofsomething,lookingintentlyanduneasilyatwhatfrightensthem,shrinkingbackandholdingouttheirlittlehandsonthepointofcrying.almostthesamethinghappenednowtosonia.withthesamehelplessnessandthesameterror,shelookedathimforawhileand,suddenlyputtingoutherlefthand,pressedherfingersfaintlyagainsthisbreastandslowlybegantogetupfromthebed,movingfurtherfromhimandkeepinghereyesfixedevenmoreimmovablyonhim.herterrorinfectedhim.thesamefearshoweditselfonhisface.inthesamewayhestaredatherandalmostwiththesamechildishsmile.

“haveyouguessed?”hewhisperedatlast.

“goodgod!”brokeinanawfulwailfromherbosom.

shesankhelplesslyonthebedwithherfaceinthepillows,butamomentlatershegotup,movedquicklytohim,seizedbothhishandsand,grippingthemtightinherthinfingers,beganlookingintohisfaceagainwiththesameintentstare.inthislastdesperatelookshetriedtolookintohimandcatchsomelasthope.buttherewasnohope;therewasnodoubtremaining;itwasalltrue!lateron,indeed,whensherecalledthatmoment,shethoughtitstrangeandwonderedwhyshehadseenatoncethattherewasnodoubt.shecouldnothavesaid,forinstance,thatshehadforeseensomethingofthesort—andyetnow,assoonashetoldher,shesuddenlyfanciedthatshehadreallyforeseenthisverything.

“stop,sonia,enough!don’ttortureme,”heedhermiserably.

itwasnotatall,notatalllikethishehadthoughtoftellingher,butthisishowithappened.

shejumpedup,seemingnottoknowwhatshewasdoing,and,wringingherhands,walkedintothemiddleoftheroom;butquicklywentbackandsatdownagainbesidehim,hershoulderalmosttouchinghis.allofasuddenshestartedasthoughshehadbeenstabbed,utteredacryandfellonherkneesbeforehim,shedidnotknowwhy.

“whathaveyoudone—whathaveyoudonetoyourself?”shesaidindespair,and,jumpingup,sheflungherselfonhisneck,threwherarmsroundhim,andheldhimtightly.

raskolnikovdrewbackandlookedatherwithamournfulsmile.