第155章

第155章raskolnikovhadbeenavigorousandactivechampionofsoniaagainstluzhin,althoughhehadsuchaloadofhorrorandanguishinhisownheart.buthavinggonethroughsomuchinthemorning,hefoundasortofreliefinachangeofsensations,apartfromthestrongpersonalfeelingwhichimpelledhimtodefendsonia.hewasagitatedtoo,especiallyatsomemoments,bythethoughtofhisapproachinginterviewwithsonia:hehadtotellherwhohadkilledlizaveta.heknewtheterriblesufferingitwouldbetohimand,asitwere,brushedawaythethoughtofit.sowhenhecriedasheleftkaterinaivanovna’s,“well,sofyasemyonovna,weshallseewhatyou’llsaynow!”hewasstillsuperficiallyexcited,stillvigorousanddefiantfromhistriumphoverluzhin.but,strangetosay,bythetimehereachedsonia’slodging,hefeltasuddenimpotenceandfear.hestoodstillinhesitationatthedoor,askinghimselfthestrangequestion:“musthetellherwhokilledlizaveta?”itwasastrangequestionbecausehefeltattheverytimenotonlythathecouldnothelptellingher,butalsothathecouldnotputoffthetelling.hedidnotyetknowwhyitmustbeso,heonlyfeltit,andtheagonisingsenseofhisimpotencebeforetheinevitablealmostcrushedhim.tocutshorthishesitationandsuffering,hequicklyopenedthedoorandlookedatsoniafromthedoorway.shewassittingwithherelbowsonthetableandherfaceinherhands,butseeingraskolnikovshegotupatonceandcametomeethimasthoughshewereexpectinghim.

“whatwouldhavebecomeofmebutforyou?”shesaidquickly,meetinghiminthemiddleoftheroom.

evidentlyshewasinhastetosaythistohim.itwaswhatshehadbeenwaitingfor.

raskolnikovwenttothetableandsatdownonthechairfromwhichshehadonlyjustrisen.shestoodfacinghim,twostepsaway,justasshehaddonethedaybefore.

“well,sonia?”hesaid,andfeltthathisvoicewastrembling,“itwasalldueto‘yoursocialpositionandthehabitsassociatedwithit.’didyouunderstandthatjustnow?”

herfaceshowedherdistress.

“onlydon’ttalktomeasyoudidyesterday,”sheinterruptedhim.“pleasedon’tbeginit.thereismiseryenoughwithoutthat.”

shemadehastetosmile,afraidthathemightnotlikethereproach.

“iwassillytocomeawayfromthere.whatishappeningtherenow?iwantedtogobackdirectly,butikeptthinkingthat…youwouldcome.”

hetoldherthatamaliaivanovnawasturningthemoutoftheirlodgingandthatkaterinaivanovnahadrunoffsomewhere“toseekjustice.”

“mygod!”criedsonia,“let’sgoatonce.…”

andshesnatcheduphercape.

“it’severlastinglythesamething!”saidraskolnikov,irritably.“you’venothoughtexceptforthem!stayalittlewithme.”

“but…katerinaivanovna?”

“youwon’tlosekaterinaivanovna,youmaybesure,she’llcometoyouherselfsinceshehasrunout,”headdedpeevishly.“ifshedoesn’tfindyouhere,you’llbeblamedforit.…”

soniasatdowninpainfulsuspense.raskolnikovwassilent,gazingattheflooranddeliberating.

“thistimeluzhindidnotwanttoprosecuteyou,”hebegan,notlookingatsonia,“butifhehadwantedto,ifithadsuitedhisplans,hewouldhavesentyoutoprisonifithadnotbeenforlebeziatnikovandme.ah?”

“yes,”sheassentedinafaintvoice.“yes,”sherepeated,upiedanddistressed.

“butimighteasilynothavebeenthere.anditwasquiteanaccidentlebeziatnikov’sturningup.”

soniawassilent.

“andifyou’dgonetoprison,whatthen?doyourememberwhatisaidyesterday?”

againshedidnotanswer.hewaited.

“ithoughtyouwouldcryoutagain‘don’tspeakofit,leaveoff.’”raskolnikovgavealaugh,butratheraforcedone.“what,silenceagain?”heaskedaminutelater.“wemusttalkaboutsomething,youknow.itwouldbeinterestingformetoknowhowyouwoulddecideacertain‘problem’aslebeziatnikovwouldsay.”(hewasbeginningtolosethethread.)“no,really,iamserious.imagine,sonia,thatyouhadknownallluzhin’sintentionsbeforehand.known,thatis,forafact,thattheywouldbetheruinofkaterinaivanovnaandthechildrenandyourselfthrownin—sinceyoudon’tcountyourselfforanything—polenkatoo…forshe’llgothesameway.well,ifsuddenlyitalldependedonyourdecisionwhetherheortheyshouldgoonliving,thatiswhetherluzhinshouldgoonlivinganddoingwickedthings,orkaterinaivanovnashoulddie?howwouldyoudecidewhichofthemwastodie?iaskyou?”

sonialookeduneasilyathim.therewassomethingpeculiarinthishesitatingquestion,whichseemedapproachingsomethinginaroundaboutway.

“ifeltthatyouweregoingtoasksomequestionlikethat,”shesaid,lookinginquisitivelyathim.

“idaresayyoudid.buthowisittobeanswered?”

“whydoyouaskaboutwhatcouldnothappen?”saidsoniareluctantly.

“thenitwouldbebetterforluzhintogoonlivinganddoingwickedthings?youhaven’tdaredtodecideeventhat!”

“butican’tknowthedivineprovidence.…andwhydoyouaskwhatcan’tbeanswered?what’stheuseofsuchfoolishquestions?howcouldithappenthatitshoulddependonmydecision—whohasmademeajudgetodecidewhoistoliveandwhoisnottolive?”

“oh,ifthedivineprovidenceistobemixedupinit,thereisnodoinganything,”raskolnikovgrumbledmorosely.

“you’dbettersaystraightoutwhatyouwant!”soniacriedindistress.“youareleadinguptosomethingagain.…canyouhavecomesimplytotortureme?”

shecouldnotcontrolherselfandbegancryingbitterly.helookedatheringloomymisery.fiveminutespassed.

“ofcourseyou’reright,sonia,”hesaidsoftlyatlast.hewassuddenlychanged.histoneofassumedarroganceandhelplessdefiancewasgone.evenhisvoicewassuddenlyweak.“itoldyouyesterdaythatiwasnotcomingtoaskforgivenessandalmostthefirstthingi’vesaidistoaskforgiveness.…isaidthataboutluzhinandprovidenceformyownsake.iwasaskingforgiveness,sonia.…”