第172章

第172章“ahthesecigarettes!”porfirypetrovitchejaculatedatlast,havinglightedone.“theyarepernicious,positivelypernicious,andyetican’tgivethemup!icough,ibegintohaveticklinginmythroatandadifficultyinbreathing.youknowiamacoward,iwentlatelytodr.b——n;healwaysgivesatleasthalfanhourtoeachpatient.hepositivelylaughedlookingatme;hesoundedme:‘o’sbadforyou,’hesaid,‘yourlungsareaffected.’buthowamitogiveitup?whatistheretotakeitsplace?idon’tdrink,that’sthemischief,he-he-he,thatidon’t.everythingisrelative,rodionromanovitch,everythingisrelative!”

“why,he’splayinghisprofessionaltricksagain,”raskolnikovthoughtwithdisgust.allthecircumstancesoftheirlastinterviewsuddenlycamebacktohim,andhefeltarushofthefeelingthathadcomeuponhimthen.

“icametoseeyouthedaybeforeyesterday,intheevening;youdidn’tknow?”porfirypetrovitchwenton,lookingroundtheroom.“icameintothisveryroom.iwaspassingby,justasididto-day,andithoughti’dreturnyourcall.iwalkedinasyourdoorwaswideopen,ilookedround,waitedandwentoutwithoutleavingmynamewithyourservant.don’tyoulockyourdoor?”

raskolnikov’sfacegrewmoreandmoregloomy.porfiryseemedtoguesshisstateofmind.

“i’vecometohaveitoutwithyou,rodionromanovitch,mydearfellow!ioweyouanexplanationandmustgiveittoyou,”hecontinuedwithaslightsmile,justpattingraskolnikov’sknee.

butalmostatthesameinstantaseriousandcarewornlookcameintohisface;tohissurpriseraskolnikovsawatouchofsadnessinit.hehadneverseenandneversuspectedsuchanexpressioninhisface.

“astrangescenepassedbetweenuslasttimewemet,rodionromanovitch.ourfirstinterview,too,wasastrangeone;butthen…andonethingafteranother!thisisthepoint:ihaveperhapsactedunfairlytoyou;ifeelit.doyourememberhowweparted?yournerveswereunhingedandyourkneeswereshakingandsoweremine.and,youknow,ourbehaviourwasunseemly,evenungentlemanly.andyetwearegentlemen,aboveall,inanycase,gentlemen;thatmustbeunderstood.doyourememberwhatwecameto?…anditwasquiteindecorous.”

“whatisheupto,whatdoeshetakemefor?”raskolnikovaskedhimselfinamazement,raisinghisheadandlookingwithopeneyesonporfiry.

“i’vedecidedopennessisbetterbetweenus,”porfirypetrovitchwenton,turninghisheadawayanddroppinghiseyes,asthoughunwillingtodisconcerthisformervictimandasthoughdisdaininghisformerwiles.“yes,suchsuspicionsandsuchscenescannotcontinueforlong.nikolayputastoptoit,oridon’tknowwhatwemightnothavecometo.thatdamnedworkmanwassittingatthetimeinthenextroom—canyourealisethat?youknowthat,ofcourse;andiamawarethathecametoyouafterwards.butwhatyousupposedthenwasnottrue:ihadnotsentforanyone,ihadmadenokindofarrangements.youaskwhyihadn’t?whatshallisaytoyou?ithadallcomeuponmesosuddenly.ihadscarcelysentfortheporters(younoticedthemasyouwentout,idaresay).anideaflasheduponme;iwasfirmlyconvincedatthetime,yousee,rodionromanovitch.come,ithought—evenifiletonethingslipforatime,ishallgetholdofsomethingelse—ishan’tlosewhatiwant,anyway.youarenervouslyirritable,rodionromanovitch,bytemperament;it’soutofproportionwithotherqualitiesofyourheartandcharacter,whichiflattermyselfihavetosomeextentdivined.ofcourseididreflecteventhenthatitdoesnotalwayshappenthatamangetsupandblurtsouthiswholestory.itdoeshappensometimes,ifyoumakeamanloseallpatience,thougheventhenit’srare.iwascapableofrealisingthat.ifionlyhadafact,ithought,theleastlittlefacttogoupon,somethingicouldlayholdof,somethingtangible,notmerelypsychological.forifamanisguilty,youmustbeabletogetsomethingsubstantialoutofhim;onemayreckonuponmostsurprisingresultsindeed.iwasreckoningonyourtemperament,rodionromanovitch,onyourtemperamentaboveallthings!ihadgreathopesofyouatthattime.”

“butwhatareyoudrivingatnow?”raskolnikovmutteredatlast,askingthequestionwithoutthinking.

“whatishetalkingabout?”hewondereddistractedly,“doeshereallytakemetobeinnocent?”

“whatamidrivingat?i’vecometoexplainmyself,iconsideritmyduty,sotospeak.iwanttomakecleartoyouhowthewholebusiness,thewholemisunderstandingarose.i’vecausedyouagreatdealofsuffering,rodionromanovitch.iamnotamonster.iunderstandwhatitmustmeanforamanwhohasbeenunfortunate,butwhoisproud,imperiousandaboveall,impatient,tohavetobearsuchtreatment!iregardyouinanycaseasamanofnoblecharacterandnotwithoutelementsofmagnanimity,thoughidon’tagreewithallyourconvictions.iwantedtotellyouthisfirst,franklyandquitesincerely,foraboveallidon’twanttodeceiveyou.whenimadeyouracquaintance,ifeltattractedbyyou.perhapsyouwilllaughatmysayingso.youhavearightto.iknowyoudislikedmefromthefirstandindeedyou’venoreasontolikeme.youmaythinkwhatyoulike,butidesirenowtodoallicantoeffacethatimpressionandtoshowthatiamamanofheartandconscience.ispeaksincerely.”

porfirypetrovitchmadeadignifiedpause.raskolnikovfeltarushofrenewedalarm.thethoughtthatporfirybelievedhimtobeinnocentbegantomakehimuneasy.