第173章

第173章“it’sscarcelynecessarytogoovereverythingindetail,”porfirypetrovitchwenton.“indeed,icouldscarcelyattemptit.tobeginwiththerewererumours.throughwhom,how,andwhenthoserumourscametome…andhowtheyaffectedyou,ineednotgointo.mysuspicionswerearousedbyacompleteaccident,whichmightjustaseasilynothavehappened.whatwasit?hm!ibelievethereisnoneedtogointothateither.thoserumoursandthataccidentledtooneideainmymind.iadmititopenly—foronemayaswellmakeacleanbreastofit—iwasthefirsttopitchonyou.theoldwoman’snotesonthepledgesandtherestofit—thatallcametonothing.yourswasoneofahundred.ihappened,too,tohearofthesceneattheoffice,fromamanwhodescribeditcapitally,unconsciouslyreproducingthescenewithgreatvividness.itwasjustonethingafteranother,rodionromanovitch,mydearfellow!howcouldiavoidbeingbroughttocertainideas?fromahundredrabbitsyoucan’tmakeahorse,ahundredsuspicionsdon’tmakeaproof,astheenglishproverbsays,butthat’sonlyfromtherationalpointofview—youcan’thelpbeingpartial,forafterallalawyerisonlyhuman.ithought,too,ofyourarticleinthatjournal,doyouremember,onyourfirstvisitwetalkedofit?ijeeredatyouatthetime,butthatwasonlytoleadyouon.irepeat,rodionromanovitch,youareillandimpatient.thatyouwerebold,headstrong,inearnestand…hadfeltagreatdealirecognisedlongbefore.i,too,havefeltthesame,sothatyourarticleseemedfamiliartome.itwasconceivedonsleeplessnights,withathrobbingheart,inecstasyandsuppressedenthusiasm.andthatproudsuppressedenthusiasminyoungpeopleisdangerous!ijeeredatyouthen,butletmetellyouthat,asaliteraryamateur,iamawfullyfondofsuchfirstessays,fulloftheheatofyouth.thereisamistinessandachordvibratinginthemist.yourarticleisabsurdandfantastic,butthere’satransparentsincerity,ayouthfulincorruptibleprideandthedaringofdespairinit.it’sagloomyarticle,butthat’swhat’sfineinit.ireadyourarticleandputitaside,thinkingasididso‘thatmanwon’tgothecommonway.’well,iaskyou,afterthatasapreliminary,howcouldihelpbeingcarriedawaybywhatfollowed?oh,dear,iamnotsayinganything,iamnotmakinganystatementnow.isimplynoteditatthetime.whatisthereinit?ireflected.there’snothinginit,thatisreallynothingandperhapsabsolutelynothing.andit’snotatallthethingfortheprosecutortolethimselfbecarriedawaybynotions:hereihavenikolayonmyhandswithactualevidenceagainsthim—youmaythinkwhatyoulikeofit,butit’sevidence.hebringsinhispsychology,too;onehastoconsiderhim,too,forit’samatteroflifeanddeath.whyamiexplainingthistoyou?thatyoumayunderstand,andnotblamemymaliciousbehaviouronthatoccasion.itwasnotmalicious,iassureyou,he-he!doyousupposeididn’tcometosearchyourroomatthetime?idid,idid,he-he!iwasherewhenyouwerelyingillinbed,notofficially,notinmyownperson,butiwashere.yourroomwassearchedtothelastthreadatthefirstsuspicion;butumsonst!ithoughttomyself,nowthatmanwillcome,willcomeofhimselfandquickly,too;ifhe’sguilty,he’ssuretocome.anothermanwouldn’t,buthewill.andyourememberhowmr.razumihinbegandiscussingthesubjectwithyou?wearrangedthattoexciteyou,sowepurposelyspreadrumours,thathemightdiscussthecasewithyou,andrazumihinisnotamantorestrainhisindignation.mr.zametovwastremendouslystruckbyyourangerandyouropendaring.thinkofblurtingoutinarestaurant‘ikilledher.’itwastoodaring,tooreckless.ithoughtsomyself,ifheisguiltyhewillbeaformidableopponent.thatwaswhatithoughtatthetime.iwasexpectingyou.butyousimplybowledzametovoverand…well,yousee,itallliesinthis—thatthisdamnablepsychologycanbetakentwoways!well,ikeptexpectingyou,andsoitwas,youcame!myheartwasfairlythrobbing.ach!

“now,whyneedyouhavecome?yourlaughter,too,asyoucamein,doyouremember?isawitallplainasdaylight,butifihadn’texpectedyousospecially,ishouldnothavenoticedanythinginyourlaughter.youseewhatinfluenceamoodhas!mr.razumihinthen—ah,thatstone,thatstoneunderwhichthethingswerehidden!iseemtoseeitsomewhereinakitchengarden.itwasinakitchengarden,youtoldzametovandafterwardsyourepeatedthatinmyoffice?andwhenwebeganpickingyourarticletopieces,howyouexplainedit!onecouldtakeeverywordofyoursintwosenses,asthoughtherewereanothermeaninghidden.

“sointhisway,rodionromanovitch,ireachedthefurthestlimit,andknockingmyheadagainstapost,ipulledmyselfup,askingmyselfwhatiwasabout.afterall,isaid,youcantakeitallinanothersenseifyoulike,andit’smorenaturalso,indeed.icouldn’thelpadmittingitwasmorenatural.iwasbothered!‘no,i’dbettergetholdofsomelittlefact’isaid.sowheniheardofthebell-ringing,iheldmybreathandwasallinatremor.‘hereismylittlefact,’thoughti,andididn’tthinkitover,isimplywouldn’t.iwouldhavegivenathousandroublesatthatminutetohaveseenyouwithmyowneyes,whenyouwalkedahundredpacesbesidethatworkman,afterhehadcalledyoumurderertoyourface,andyoudidnotdaretoaskhimaquestionalltheway.andthenwhataboutyourtrembling,whataboutyourbell-ringinginyourillness,insemi-delirium?