第163章

第163章“brother,nowiknowall,all.dmitriprokofitchhasexplainedandtoldmeeverything.theyareworryingandpersecutingyouthroughastupidandcontemptiblesuspicion.…dmitriprokofitchtoldmethatthereisnodanger,andthatyouarewronginlookinguponitwithsuchhorror.idon’tthinkso,andifullyunderstandhowindignantyoumustbe,andthatthatindignationmayhaveapermanenteffectonyou.that’swhatiamafraidof.asforyourcuttingyourselfofffromus,idon’tjudgeyou,idon’tventuretojudgeyou,andforgivemeforhavingblamedyouforit.ifeelthatitoo,ifihadsogreatatrouble,shouldkeepawayfromeveryone.ishalltellmothernothingofthis,butishalltalkaboutyoucontinuallyandshalltellherfromyouthatyouwillcomeverysoon.don’tworryabouther;iwillsethermindatrest;butdon’tyoutryhertoomuch—comeonceatleast;rememberthatsheisyourmother.andnowihavecomesimplytosay”(douniabegantogetup)“thatifyoushouldneedmeorshouldneed…allmylifeoranything…callme,andi’llcome.good-bye!”

sheturnedabruptlyandwenttowardsthedoor.

“dounia!”raskolnikovstoppedherandwenttowardsher.“thatrazumihin,dmitriprokofitch,isaverygoodfellow.”

douniaflushedslightly.

“well?”sheasked,waitingamoment.

“heiscompetent,hardworking,honestandcapableofreallove.…good-bye,dounia.”

douniaflushedcrimson,thensuddenlyshetookalarm.

“butwhatdoesitmean,brother?arewereallypartingforeverthatyou…givemesuchapartingmessage?”

“nevermind.…good-bye.”

heturnedaway,andwalkedtothewindow.shestoodamoment,lookedathimuneasily,andwentouttroubled.

no,hewasnotcoldtoher.therewasaninstant(theverylastone)whenhehadlongedtotakeherinhisarmsandsaygood-byetoher,andeventotellher,buthehadnotdaredeventotouchherhand.

“afterwardsshemayshudderwhensheremembersthatiembracedher,andwillfeelthatistoleherkiss.”

“andwouldshestandthattest?”hewentonafewminuteslatertohimself.“no,shewouldn’t;girlslikethatcan’tstandthings!theyneverdo.”

andhethoughtofsonia.

therewasabreathoffreshairfromthewindow.thedaylightwasfading.hetookuphiscapandwentout.

hecouldnot,ofcourse,andwouldnotconsiderhowillhewas.butallthiscontinualanxietyandagonyofmindcouldnotbutaffecthim.andifhewerenotlyinginhighfeveritwasperhapsjustbecausethiscontinualinnerstrainhelpedtokeephimonhislegsandinpossessionofhisfaculties.butthisartificialexcitementcouldnotlastlong.

hewanderedaimlessly.thesunwassetting.aspecialformofmiseryhadbeguntooppresshimoflate.therewasnothingpoignant,nothingacuteaboutit;buttherewasafeelingofpermanence,ofeternityaboutit;itbroughtaforetasteofhopelessyearsofthiscoldleadenmisery,aforetasteofaneternity“onasquareyardofspace.”towardseveningthissensationusuallybegantoweighonhimmoreheavily.

“withthisidiotic,purelyphysicalweakness,dependingonthesunsetorsomething,onecan’thelpdoingsomethingstupid!you’llgotodounia,aswellastosonia,”hemutteredbitterly.

heheardhisnamecalled.helookedround.lebeziatnikovrusheduptohim.

“onlyfancy,i’vebeentoyourroomlookingforyou.onlyfancy,she’scarriedoutherplan,andtakenawaythechildren.sofyasemyonovnaandihavehadajobtofindthem.sheisrappingonafrying-panandmakingthechildrendance.thechildrenarecrying.theykeepstoppingatthecross-roadsandinfrontofshops;there’sacrowdoffoolsrunningafterthem.comealong!”

“andsonia?”raskolnikovaskedanxiously,hurryingafterlebeziatnikov.

“simplyfrantic.thatis,it’snotsofyasemyonovna’sfrantic,butkaterinaivanovna,thoughsofyasemyonova’sfrantictoo.butkaterinaivanovnaisabsolutelyfrantic.itellyousheisquitemad.they’llbetakentothepolice.youcanfancywhataneffectthatwillhave.…theyareonthecanalbank,nearthebridgenow,notfarfromsofyasemyonovna’s,quiteclose.”