第111章

第111章“y-yes,ihaveseenthem,butonlyonceinmylife,sixyearsago.ihadaserf,filka;justafterhisburialicalledoutforgetting‘filka,mypipe!’hecameinandwenttothecupboardwheremypipeswere.isatstillandthought‘heisdoingitoutofrevenge,’becausewehadaviolentquarreljustbeforehisdeath.‘howdareyoucomeinwithaholeinyourelbow?’isaid.‘goaway,youscamp!’heturnedandwentout,andnevercameagain.ididn’ttellmarfapetrovnaatthetime.iwantedtohaveaservicesungforhim,butiwasashamed.”

“youshouldgotoadoctor.”

“iknowiamnotwell,withoutyourtellingme,thoughidon’tknowwhat’swrong;ibelieveiamfivetimesasstrongasyouare.ididn’taskyouwhetheryoubelievethatghostsareseen,butwhetheryoubelievethattheyexist.”

“no,iwon’tbelieveit!”raskolnikovcried,withpositiveanger.

“whatdopeoplegenerallysay?”mutteredsvidrigailov,asthoughspeakingtohimself,lookingasideandbowinghishead.“theysay,‘youareill,sowhatappearstoyouisonlyunrealfantasy.’butthat’snotstrictlylogical.iagreethatghostsonlyappeartothesick,butthatonlyprovesthattheyareunabletoappearexcepttothesick,notthattheydon’texist.”

“nothingofthesort,”raskolnikovinsistedirritably.

“no?youdon’tthinkso?”svidrigailovwenton,lookingathimdeliberately.“butwhatdoyousaytothisargument(helpmewithit):ghostsare,asitwere,shredsandfragmentsofotherworlds,thebeginningofthem.amaninhealthhas,ofcourse,noreasontoseethem,becauseheisaboveallamanofthisearthandisboundforthesakeofcompletenessandordertoliveonlyinthislife.butassoonasoneisill,assoonasthenormalearthlyorderoftheorganismisbroken,onebeginstorealisethepossibilityofanotherworld;andthemoreseriouslyilloneis,thecloserbecomesone’scontactwiththatotherworld,sothatassoonasthemandieshestepsstraightintothatworld.ithoughtofthatlongago.ifyoubelieveinafuturelife,youcouldbelieveinthat,too.”

“idon’tbelieveinafuturelife,”saidraskolnikov.

svidrigailovsatlostinthought.

“andwhatifthereareonlyspidersthere,orsomethingofthatsort,”hesaidsuddenly.

“heisamadman,”thoughtraskolnikov.

“wealwaysimagineeternityassomethingbeyondourconception,somethingvast,vast!butwhymustitbevast?insteadofallthat,whatifit’sonelittleroom,likeabathhouseinthecountry,blackandgrimyandspidersineverycorner,andthat’salleternityis?isometimesfancyitlikethat.”

“canitbeyoucanimaginenothingjusterandmorecomfortingthanthat?”raskolnikovcried,withafeelingofanguish.

“juster?andhowcanwetell,perhapsthatisjust,anddoyouknowit’swhatiwouldcertainlyhavemadeit,”answeredsvidrigailov,withavaguesmile.

thishorribleanswersentacoldchillthroughraskolnikov.svidrigailovraisedhishead,lookedathim,andsuddenlybeganlaughing.

“onlythink,”hecried,“halfanhouragowehadneverseeneachother,weregardedeachotherasenemies;thereisamatterunsettledbetweenus;we’vethrownitaside,andawaywe’vegoneintotheabstract!wasn’tirightinsayingthatwewerebirdsofafeather?”

“kindlyallowme,”raskolnikovwentonirritably,“toaskyoutoexplainwhyyouhavehonouredmewithyourvisit…and…andiaminahurry,ihavenotimetowaste.iwanttogoout.”

“byallmeans,byallmeans.yoursister,avdotyaromanovna,isgoingtobemarriedtomr.luzhin,pyotrpetrovitch?”

“canyourefrainfromanyquestionaboutmysisterandfrommentioninghername?ican’tunderstandhowyoudareutterhernameinmypresence,ifyoureallyaresvidrigailov.”

“why,buti’vecomeheretospeakabouther;howcaniavoidmentioningher?”

“verygood,speak,butmakehaste.”

“iamsurethatyoumusthaveformedyourownopinionofthismr.luzhin,whoisaconnectionofminethroughmywife,ifyouhaveonlyseenhimforhalfanhour,orheardanyfactsabouthim.heisnomatchforavdotyaromanovna.ibelieveavdotyaromanovnaissacrificingherselfgenerouslyandimprudentlyforthesakeof…forthesakeofherfamily.ifanciedfromallihadheardofyouthatyouwouldbeverygladifthematchcouldbebrokenoffwithoutthesacrificeofworldlyadvantages.nowiknowyoupersonally,iamconvincedofit.”

“allthisisverynaive…excuseme,ishouldhavesaidimpudentonyourpart,”saidraskolnikov.

“youmeantosaythatiamseekingmyownends.don’tbeuneasy,rodionromanovitch,ifiwereworkingformyownadvantage,iwouldnothavespokenoutsodirectly.iamnotquiteafool.iwillconfesssomethingpsychologicallycuriousaboutthat:justnow,defendingmyloveforavdotyaromanovna,isaidiwasmyselfthevictim.well,letmetellyouthati’venofeelingoflovenow,nottheslightest,sothatiwondermyselfindeed,forireallydidfeelsomething…”

“throughidlenessanddepravity,”raskolnikovputin.

“icertainlyamidleanddepraved,butyoursisterhassuchqualitiesthatevenicouldnothelpbeingimpressedbythem.butthat’sallnonsense,asiseemyselfnow.”

“haveyouseenthatlong?”