第110章

第110章“idon’tknowwhattosay.itwasscarcelythedocumentrestrainedme.ididn’twanttogoanywhereelse.marfapetrovnaherselfinvitedmetogoabroad,seeingiwasbored,buti’vebeenabroadbefore,andalwaysfeltsickthere.fornoreason,butthesunrise,thebayofnaples,thesea—youlookatthemanditmakesyousad.what’smostrevoltingisthatoneisreallysad!no,it’sbetterathome.hereatleastoneblamesothersforeverythingandexcusesoneself.ishouldhavegoneperhapsonanexpeditiontothenorthpole,becausej’ailevinmauvaisandhatedrinking,andthere’snothingleftbutwine.ihavetriedit.but,isay,i’vebeentoldbergisgoingupinagreatballoonnextsundayfromtheyusupovgardenandwilltakeuppassengersatafee.isittrue?”

“why,wouldyougoup?”

“i…no,oh,no,”mutteredsvidrigailovreallyseemingtobedeepinthought.

“whatdoeshemean?isheinearnest?”raskolnikovwondered.

“no,thedocumentdidn’trestrainme,”svidrigailovwenton,meditatively.“itwasmyowndoing,notleavingthecountry,andnearlyayearagomarfapetrovnagavemebackthedocumentonmyname-dayandmademeapresentofaconsiderablesumofmoney,too.shehadafortune,youknow.‘youseehowitrustyou,arkadyivanovitch’—thatwasactuallyherexpression.youdon’tbelievesheusedit?butdoyouknowimanagedtheestatequitedecently,theyknowmeintheneighbourhood.iorderedbooks,too.marfapetrovnaatfirstapproved,butafterwardsshewasafraidofmyover-studying.”

“youseemtobemissingmarfapetrovnaverymuch?”

“missingher?perhaps.really,perhapsiam.and,bytheway,doyoubelieveinghosts?”

“whatghosts?”

“why,ordinaryghosts.”

“doyoubelieveinthem?”

“perhapsnot,pourvousplaire.…iwouldn’tsaynoexactly.”

“doyouseethem,then?”

svidrigailovlookedathimratheroddly.

“marfapetrovnaispleasedtovisitme,”hesaid,twistinghismouthintoastrangesmile.

“howdoyoumean‘sheispleasedtovisityou’?”

“shehasbeenthreetimes.isawherfirstontheverydayofthefuneral,anhouraftershewasburied.itwasthedaybeforeilefttocomehere.thesecondtimewasthedaybeforeyesterday,atdaybreak,onthejourneyatthestationofmalayavishera,andthethirdtimewastwohoursagointheroomwhereiamstaying.iwasalone.”

“wereyouawake?”

“quiteawake.iwaswideawakeeverytime.shecomes,speakstomeforaminuteandgoesoutatthedoor—alwaysatthedoor.icanalmosthearher.”

“whatmademethinkthatsomethingofthesortmustbehappeningtoyou?”raskolnikovsaidsuddenly.

atthesamemomenthewassurprisedathavingsaidit.hewasmuchexcited.

“what!didyouthinkso?”svidrigailovaskedinastonishment.“didyoureally?didn’tisaythattherewassomethingincommonbetweenus,eh?”

“youneversaidso!”raskolnikovcriedsharplyandwithheat.

“didn’ti?”

“no!”

“ithoughtidid.whenicameinandsawyoulyingwithyoureyesshut,pretending,isaidtomyselfatonce,‘here’stheman.’”

“whatdoyoumeanby‘theman?’whatareyoutalkingabout?”criedraskolnikov.

“whatdoimean?ireallydon’tknow.…”svidrigailovmutteredingenuously,asthoughhe,too,werepuzzled.

foraminutetheyweresilent.theystaredineachother’sfaces.

“that’sallnonsense!”raskolnikovshoutedwithvexation.“whatdoesshesaywhenshecomestoyou?”

“she!wouldyoubelieveit,shetalksofthesilliesttriflesand—manisastrangecreature—itmakesmeangry.thefirsttimeshecamein(iwastiredyouknow:thefuneralservice,thefuneralceremony,thelunchafterwards.atlastiwasleftaloneinmystudy.ilightedacigarandbegantothink),shecameinatthedoor.‘you’vebeensobusyto-day,arkadyivanovitch,youhaveforgottentowindthedining-roomclock,’shesaid.allthosesevenyearsi’vewoundthatclockeveryweek,andififorgotitshewouldalwaysremindme.thenextdayisetoffonmywayhere.igotoutatthestationatdaybreak;i’dbeenasleep,tiredout,withmyeyeshalfopen,iwasdrinkingsomecoffee.ilookedupandtherewassuddenlymarfapetrovnasittingbesidemewithapackofcardsinherhands.‘shallitellyourfortuneforthejourney,arkadyivanovitch?’shewasagreathandattellingfortunes.ishallneverforgivemyselffornotaskingherto.iranawayinafright,and,besides,thebellrang.iwassittingto-day,feelingveryheavyafteramiserabledinnerfromacookshop;iwassittingsmoking,allofasuddenmarfapetrovnaagain.shecameinverysmartinanewgreensilkdresswithalongtrain.‘goodday,arkadyivanovitch!howdoyoulikemydress?aniskacan’tmakelikethis.’(aniskawasadressmakerinthecountry,oneofourformerserfgirlswhohadbeentrainedinmoscow,aprettywench.)shestoodturningroundbeforeme.ilookedatthedress,andthenilookedcarefully,verycarefully,atherface.‘iwonderyoutroubletocometomeaboutsuchtrifles,marfapetrovna.’‘goodgracious,youwon’tletonedisturbyouaboutanything!’toteaseherisaid,‘iwanttogetmarried,marfapetrovna.’‘that’sjustlikeyou,arkadyivanovitch;itdoesyouverylittlecredittocomelookingforabridewhenyou’vehardlyburiedyourwife.andifyoucouldmakeagoodchoice,atleast,butiknowitwon’tbeforyourhappinessorhers,youwillonlybealaughing-stocktoallgoodpeople.’thenshewentoutandhertrainseemedtorustle.isn’titnonsense,eh?”

“butperhapsyouaretellinglies?”raskolnikovputin.

“irarelylie,”answeredsvidrigailovthoughtfully,apparentlynotnoticingtherudenessofthequestion.

“andinthepast,haveyoueverseenghostsbefore?”