第198章

第198章“thouhatestit;thenchangeit,purifythyself,andasthouartpurified,thouwiltcometoknowwisdom.lookatyourlife,sir.howhaveyoubeenspendingit？inriotousorgiesanddebauchery,takingeverythingfromsocietyandgivingnothinginreturn.youhavereceivedwealth.howhaveyouusedit？whathaveyoudoneforyourneighbour？haveyougivenathoughttothetensofthousandsofyourslaves,haveyououredthemphysicallyandmorally？no.youhaveprofitedbytheirtoiltoleadadissipatedlife.that’swhatyouhavedone.haveyouchosenapostintheservicewhereyoumightbeofusetoyourneighbour？no.youhavespentyourlifeinidleness.thenyoumarried,sir,tookuponyourselftheresponsibilityofguidingayoungwomaninlife,andwhathaveyoudone？youhavenothelpedher,sir,tofindthepathoftruth,buthavecastherintoanabyssofdeceptionandmisery.amaninjuredyou,andyouhavekilledhim,andyousayyoudonotknowgod,andthatyouhateyourlife.thereisnowisdominallthat,sir.”

afterthesewordsthefreemasonleanedhiselbowagainonthebackofthesofaandclosedhiseyes,asthoughwearyofprolongedtalking.pierregazedatthatstern,immovable,old,almostdeath-likeface,andmovedhislipswithoututteringasound.hewantedtosay,“yes,avile,idle,viciouslife,”andhedarednotbreakthesilence.thefreemasonclearedhisthroathuskily,asoldmendo,andcalledhisservant.

“howabouthorses？”heasked,withoutlookingatpierre.

“theyhavebroughtroundsomethatweregivenup,”answeredtheoldman.“youwon’trest？”

“no,tellthemtoharnessthem.”

“canhereallybegoingawayandleavingmeallalone,withouttellingmeeverythingandpromisingmehelp？”thoughtpierre,gettingupwithdowncasthead,beginningtowalkupanddowntheroom,castingaglancefromtimetotimeatthefreemason.“yes,ihadnotthoughtofit,butihaveledacontemptible,dissolutelife,butididnotlikeit,andididn’twantto,”thoughtpierre,“andthismanknowsthetruth,andifhelikedhecouldrevealittome.”pierrewantedtosaythistothefreemasonanddarednot.afterpackinghisthingswithhispractisedoldhands,thetravellerbuttoneduphissheepskin.onfinishingthesepreparations,heturnedtobezuhov,andinapolite,indifferenttone,saidtohim：

“whereareyougoingnow,sir？”

“i？…i’mgoingtopetersburg,”answeredpierreinatoneofchildishindecision.“ithankyou.iagreewithyouineverything.butdonotsupposethatihavebeensobad.withallmysoulihavedesiredtobewhatyouwouldwishmetobe;butihavenevermetwithhelpfromanyone.…thoughiwasmyselfmosttoblameforeverything.helpme,instructme,andperhapsishallbeable…”

pierrecouldnotsaymore;hisvoicebrokeandheturnedaway.

thefreemasonwassilent,obviouslyponderingsomething.

“helpcomesonlyfromgod,”hesaid,“butsuchmeasureofaidasitisinthepowerofourordertogiveyou,itwillgiveyou,sir.yougotopetersburg,andgivethistocountvillarsky”（hetookouthisnotebookandwroteafewwordsonalargesheetofpaperfoldedintofour）.“onepieceofadviceletmegiveyou.whenyoureachthecapital,devoteyourtimeatfirsttheretosolitudeandtoself-examination,anddonotreturntoyouroldmanneroflife.therewithiwishyouagoodjourney,sir,”headded,noticingthathisservanthadenteredtheroom,“andalless…”

thestrangerwasosipalexyevitchbazdyev,aspierrefoundoutfromtheoverseer’sbook.bazdyevhadbeenoneofthemostwell-knownfreemasonsandmartinistseveninnovikov’sday.foralongwhileafterhehadgone,pierrewalkedaboutthestationroom,neitherlyingdowntosleepnoraskingforhorses.hereviewedhisviciouspast,andwithanecstaticsenseofbeginninganew,picturedtohimselfablissful,irreproachablyvirtuousfuture,whichseemedtohimeasyofattainment.itseemedtohimthathehadbeenvicious,simplybecausehehadaccidentallyforgottenhowgooditwastobevirtuous.therewasleftinhissoulnotatraceofhisformerdoubts.hefirmlybelievedinthepossibilityofthebrotherhoodofman,unitedintheaimofsupportingoneanotherinthepathofvirtue.andfreemasonryhepicturedtohimselfassuchabrotherhood.