第6章

第6章daylightbegantoforsakethered-room;itwaspastfouro’clock,andthebecloudedafternoonwastendingtodreartwilight.iheardtherainstillbeatingcontinuouslyonthestaircasewindow,andthewindhowlinginthegrovebehindthehall;igrewbydegreescoldasastone,andthenmycouragesank.myhabitualmoodofhumiliation,self-doubt,forlorndepression,felldampontheembersofmydecayingire.allsaidiwaswicked,andperhapsimightbeso;whatthoughthadibeenbutjustconceivingofstarvingmyselftodeath?thatcertainlywasacrime:andwasifittodie?orwasthevaultunderthechancelofgatesheadchurchaninvitingbourne?insuchvaultihadbeentolddidmr.reedlieburied;andledbythisthoughttorecallhisidea,idweltonitwithgatheringdread.icouldnotrememberhim;butiknewthathewasmyownuncle—mymother’sbrother—thathehadtakenmewhenaparentlessinfanttohishouse;andthatinhislastmomentshehadrequiredapromiseofmrs.reedthatshewouldrearandmaintainmeasoneofherownchildren.mrs.reedprobablyconsideredshehadkeptthispromise;andsoshehad,idaresay,aswellashernaturewouldpermither;buthowcouldshereallylikeaninterlopernotofherrace,andunconnectedwithher,afterherhusband’sdeath,byanytie?itmusthavebeenmostirksometofindherselfboundbyahard-wrungpledgetostandinthesteadofaparenttoastrangechildshecouldnotlove,andtoseeanuncongenialalienpermanentlyintrudedonherownfamilygroup.

asingularnotiondawneduponme.idoubtednot—neverdoubted—thatifmr.reedhadbeenalivehewouldhavetreatedmekindly;andnow,asisatlookingatthewhitebedandovershadowedwalls—occasionallyalsoturningafascinatedeyetowardsthedimlygleaningmirror—ibegantorecallwhatihadheardofdeadmen,troubledintheirgravesbytheviolationoftheirlastwishes,revisitingtheearthtopunishtheperjuredandavengetheoppressed;andithoughtmr.reed’sspirit,harassedbythewrongsofhissister’schild,mightquititsabode—whetherinthechurchvaultorintheunknownworldofthedeparted—andrisebeforemeinthischamber.iwipedmytearsandhushedmysobs,fearfullestanysignofviolentgriefmightwakenapreternaturalvoicetocomfortme,orelicitfromthegloomsomehaloedface,bendingovermewithstrangepity.thisidea,consolatoryintheory,ifeltwouldbeterribleifrealised:withallmymightiendeavouredtostifleit—iendeavouredtobefirm.shakingmyhairfrommyeyes,iliftedmyheadandtriedtolookboldlyroundthedarkroom;atthismomentalightgleamedonthewall.wasit,iaskedmyself,arayfromthemoonpenetratingsomeapertureintheblind?no;moonlightwasstill,andthisstirred;whileigazed,itglideduptotheceilingandquiveredovermyhead.icannowconjecturereadilythatthisstreakoflightwas,inalllikelihood,agleamfromalanterncarriedbysomeoneacrossthelawn:butthen,preparedasmymindwasforhorror,shakenasmynerveswerebyagitation,ithoughttheswiftdartingbeamwasaheraldofsomecomingvisionfromanotherworld.myheartbeatthick,myheadgrewhot;asoundfilledmyears,whichideemedtherushingofwings;somethingseemednearme;iwasoppressed,suffocated:endurancebrokedown;irushedtothedoorandshookthelockindesperateeffort.stepscamerunningalongtheouterpassage;thekeyturned,bessieandabbotentered.

“misseyre,areyouill?”saidbessie.

“whatadreadfulnoise!itwentquitethroughme!”exclaimedabbot.

“takemeout!letmegointothenursery!”wasmycry.

“whatfor?areyouhurt?haveyouseensomething?”againdemandedbessie.

“oh!isawalight,andithoughtaghostwouldcome.”ihadnowgotholdofbessie’shand,andshedidnotsnatchitfromme.

“shehasscreamedoutonpurpose,”declaredabbot,insomedisgust.“andwhatascream!ifshehadbeeningreatpainonewouldhaveexcusedit,butsheonlywantedtobringusallhere:iknowhernaughtytricks.”

“whatisallthis?”demandedanothervoiceperemptorily;andmrs.reedcamealongthecorridor,hercapflyingwide,hergownrustlingstormily.“abbotandbessie,ibelieveigaveordersthatjaneeyreshouldbeleftinthered-roomtillicametohermyself.”

“missjanescreamedsoloud,ma’am,”pleadedbessie.

“lethergo,”wastheonlyanswer.“loosebessie’shand,child:youcannoteedingettingoutbythesemeans,beassured.iabhorartifice,particularlyinchildren;itismydutytoshowyouthattrickswillnotanswer:youwillnowstayhereanhourlonger,anditisonlyonconditionofperfectsubmissionandstillnessthatishallliberateyouthen.”

“oaunt!havepity!forgiveme!icannotendureit—letmebepunishedsomeotherway!ishallbekilledif—”

“silence!thisviolenceisallmostrepulsive:”andso,nodoubt,shefeltit.iwasaprecociousactressinhereyes;shesincerelylookedonmeasacompoundofvirulentpassions,meanspirit,anddangerousduplicity.

bessieandabbothavingretreated,mrs.reed,impatientofmynowfranticanguishandwildsobs,abruptlythrustmebackandlockedmein,withoutfartherparley.iheardhersweepingaway;andsoonaftershewasgone,isupposeihadaspeciesoffit:unconsciousnessclosedthescene.