第5章

第5章myseat,towhichbessieandthebittermissabbothadleftmeriveted,wasalowottomannearthemarblechimney-piece;thebedrosebeforeme;tomyrighthandtherewasthehigh,darkwardrobe,withsubdued,brokenreflectionsvaryingtheglossofitspanels;tomyleftwerethemuffledwindows;agreatlooking-glassbetweenthemrepeatedthevacantmajestyofthebedandroom.iwasnotquitesurewhethertheyhadlockedthedoor;andwhenidaredmove,igotupandwenttosee.alas!yes:nojailwasevermoresecure.returning,ihadtocrossbeforethelooking-glass;myfascinatedglanceinvoluntarilyexploredthedepthitrevealed.alllookedcolderanddarkerinthatvisionaryhollowthaninreality:andthestrangelittlefiguretheregazingatme,withawhitefaceandarmsspeckingthegloom,andglitteringeyesoffearmovingwhereallelsewasstill,hadtheeffectofarealspirit:ithoughtitlikeoneofthetinyphantoms,halffairy,halfimp,bessie’seveningstoriesrepresentedascomingoutoflone,fernydellsinmoors,andappearingbeforetheeyesofbelatedtravellers.ireturnedtomystool.

superstitionwaswithmeatthatmoment;butitwasnotyetherhourforcompletevictory:mybloodwasstillwarm;themoodoftherevoltedslavewasstillbracingmewithitsbittervigour;ihadtostemarapidrushofretrospectivethoughtbeforeiquailedtothedismalpresent.

alljohnreed’sviolenttyrannies,allhissisters’proudindifference,allhismother’saversion,alltheservants’partiality,turnedupinmydisturbedmindlikeadarkdepositinaturbidwell.whywasialwayssuffering,alwaysbrowbeaten,alwaysaccused,forevercondemned?whycouldineverplease?whywasituselesstotrytowinanyone’sfavour?eliza,whowasheadstrongandselfish,wasrespected.georgiana,whohadaspoiledtemper,averyacridspite,acaptiousandinsolentcarriage,wasuniversallyindulged.herbeauty,herpinkcheeksandgoldencurls,seemedtogivedelighttoallwholookedather,andtopurchaseindemnityforeveryfault.johnnoonethwarted,muchlesspunished;thoughhetwistedthenecksofthepigeons,killedthelittlepea-chicks,setthedogsatthesheep,strippedthehothousevinesoftheirfruit,andbrokethebudsoffthechoicestplantsintheconservatory:hecalledhismother“oldgirl,”too;sometimesreviledherforherdarkskin,similartohisown;bluntlydisregardedherwishes;notunfrequentlytoreandspoiledhersilkattire;andhewasstill“herowndarling.”idaredcommitnofault:istrovetofulfileveryduty;andiwastermednaughtyandtiresome,sullenandsneaking,frommorningtonoon,andfromnoontonight.

myheadstillachedandbledwiththeblowandfallihadreceived:noonehadreprovedjohnforwantonlystrikingme;andbecauseihadturnedagainsthimtoavertfartherirrationalviolence,iwasloadedwithgeneralopprobrium.

“unjust!—unjust!”saidmyreason,forcedbytheagonisingstimulusintoprecociousthoughtransitorypower:andresolve,equallywroughtup,instigatedsomestrangeexpedienttoachieveescapefrominsupportableoppression—asrunningaway,or,ifthatcouldnotbeeffected,nevereatingordrinkingmore,andlettingmyselfdie.

whataconsternationofsoulwasminethatdrearyafternoon!howallmybrainwasintumult,andallmyheartininsurrection!yetinwhatdarkness,whatdenseignorance,wasthementalbattlefought!icouldnotanswertheceaselessinwardquestion—whyithussuffered;now,atthedistanceof—iwillnotsayhowmanyyears,iseeitclearly.

iwasadiscordingatesheadhall:iwaslikenobodythere;ihadnothinginharmonywithmrs.reedorherchildren,orherchosenvassalage.iftheydidnotloveme,infact,aslittledidilovethem.theywerenotboundtoregardwithaffectionathingthatcouldnotsympathisewithoneamongstthem;aheterogeneousthing,opposedtothemintemperament,incapacity,inpropensities;auselessthing,incapableofservingtheirinterest,oraddingtotheirpleasure;anoxiousthing,cherishingthegermsofindignationattheirtreatment,ofcontemptoftheirjudgment.iknowthathadibeenasanguine,brilliant,careless,exacting,handsome,rompingchild—thoughequallydependentandfriendless—mrs.reedwouldhaveenduredmypresencemorecomplacently;herchildrenwouldhaveentertainedformemoreofthecordialityoffellow-feeling;theservantswouldhavebeenlesspronetomakemethescapegoatofthenursery.