第134章

第134章“impatientlyiwaitedforevening,whenimightsummonyoutomypresence.anunusual—tome—aperfectlynewcharacterisuspectedwasyours:idesiredtosearchitdeeperandknowitbetter.youenteredtheroomwithalookandairatonceshyandindependent:youwerequaintlydressed—muchasyouarenow.imadeyoutalk:erelongifoundyoufullofstrangecontrasts.yourgarbandmannerwererestrictedbyrule;yourairwasoftendiffident,andaltogetherthatofonerefinedbynature,butabsolutelyunusedtosociety,andagooddealafraidofmakingherselfdisadvantageouslyconspicuousbysomesolecismorblunder;yetwhenaddressed,youliftedakeen,adaring,andaglowingeyetoyourinterlocutor’sface:therewaspenetrationandpowerineachglanceyougave;whenpliedbyclosequestions,youfoundreadyandroundanswers.verysoonyouseemedtogetusedtome:ibelieveyoufelttheexistenceofsympathybetweenyouandyourgrimandcrossmaster,jane;foritwasastonishingtoseehowquicklyacertainpleasanteasetranquillisedyourmanner:snarlasiwould,youshowednosurprise,fear,annoyance,ordispleasureatmymoroseness;youwatchedme,andnowandthensmiledatmewithasimpleyetsagaciousgraceicannotdescribe.iwasatoncecontentandstimulatedwithwhatisaw:ilikedwhatihadseen,andwishedtoseemore.yet,foralongtime,itreatedyoudistantly,andsoughtyourcompanyrarely.iwasanintellectualepicure,andwishedtoprolongthegratificationofmakingthisnovelandpiquantacquaintance:besides,iwasforawhiletroubledwithahauntingfearthatifihandledtheflowerfreelyitsbloomwouldfade—thesweetcharmoffreshnesswouldleaveit.ididnotthenknowthatitwasnotransitoryblossom,butrathertheradiantresemblanceofone,cutinanindestructiblegem.moreover,iwishedtoseewhetheryouwouldseekmeifishunnedyou—butyoudidnot;youkeptintheschoolroomasstillasyourowndeskandeasel;ifbychanceimetyou,youpassedmeassoon,andwithaslittletokenofrecognition,aswasconsistentwithrespect.yourhabitualexpressioninthosedays,jane,wasathoughtfullook;notdespondent,foryouwerenotsickly;butnotbuoyant,foryouhadlittlehope,andnoactualpleasure.iwonderedwhatyouthoughtofme,orifyoueverthoughtofme,andresolvedtofindthisout.

“iresumedmynoticeofyou.therewassomethinggladinyourglance,andgenialinyourmanner,whenyouconversed:isawyouhadasocialheart;itwasthesilentschoolroom—itwasthetediumofyourlife—thatmadeyoumournful.ipermittedmyselfthedelightofbeingkindtoyou;kindnessstirredemotionsoon:yourfacebecamesoftinexpression,yourtonesgentle;ilikedmynamepronouncedbyyourlipsinagratefulhappyaccent.iusedtoenjoyachancemeetingwithyou,jane,atthistime:therewasacurioushesitationinyourmanner:youglancedatmewithaslighttrouble—ahoveringdoubt:youdidnotknowwhatmycapricemightbe—whetheriwasgoingtoplaythemasterandbestern,orthefriendandbebenignant.iwasnowtoofondofyouoftentosimulatethefirstwhim;and,whenistretchedmyhandoutcordially,suchbloomandlightandblissrosetoyouryoung,wistfulfeatures,ihadmuchadooftentoavoidstrainingyouthenandtheretomyheart.”

“don’ttalkanymoreofthosedays,sir,”iinterrupted,furtivelydashingawaysometearsfrommyeyes;hislanguagewastorturetome;foriknewwhatimustdo—anddosoon—andallthesereminiscences,andtheserevelationsofhisfeelingsonlymademyworkmoredifficult.

“no,jane,”hereturned:“whatnecessityistheretodwellonthepast,whenthepresentissomuchsurer—thefuturesomuchbrighter?”

ishudderedtoheartheinfatuatedassertion.

“youseenowhowthecasestands—doyounot?”hecontinued.“afterayouthandmanhoodpassedhalfinunutterablemiseryandhalfindrearysolitude,ihaveforthefirsttimefoundwhaticantrulylove—ihavefoundyou.youaremysympathy—mybetterself—mygoodangel.iamboundtoyouwithastrongattachment.ithinkyougood,gifted,lovely:afervent,asolemnpassionisconceivedinmyheart;itleanstoyou,drawsyoutomycentreandspringoflife,wrapsmyexistenceaboutyou,and,kindlinginpure,powerfulflame,fusesyouandmeinone.

“itwasbecauseifeltandknewthis,thatiresolvedtomarryyou.totellmethatihadalreadyawifeisemptymockery:youknownowthatihadbutahideousdemon.iwaswrongtoattempttodeceiveyou;butifearedastubbornnessthatexistsinyourcharacter.ifearedearlyinstilledprejudice:iwantedtohaveyousafebeforehazardingconfidences.thiswascowardly:ishouldhaveappealedtoyournoblenessandmagnanimityatfirst,asidonow—openedtoyouplainlymylifeofagony—describedtoyoumyhungerandthirstafterahigherandworthierexistence—showntoyou,notmyresolution(thatwordisweak),butmyresistlessbenttolovefaithfullyandwell,whereiamfaithfullyandwelllovedinreturn.thenishouldhaveaskedyoutoacceptmypledgeoffidelityandtogivemeyours.jane—giveitmenow.”

apause.

“whyareyousilent,jane?”

iwasexperiencinganordeal:ahandoffieryirongraspedmyvitals.terriblemoment:fullofle,blackness,burning!notahumanbeingthateverlivedcouldwishtobelovedbetterthaniwasloved;andhimwhothuslovedmeiabsolutelyworshipped:andimustrenounceloveandidol.onedrearwordcomprisedmyintolerableduty—“depart!”

“jane,youunderstandwhatiwantofyou?justthispromise—‘iwillbeyours,mr.rochester.’”

“mr.rochester,iwillnotbeyours.”

anotherlongsilence.

“jane!”recommencedhe,withagentlenessthatbrokemedownwithgrief,andturnedmestone-coldwithominousterror—forthisstillvoicewasthepantofalionrising—“jane,doyoumeantogoonewayintheworld,andtoletmegoanother?”

“ido.”

“jane”(bendingtowardsandembracingme),“doyoumeanitnow?”

“ido.”