第133章

第133章“itwaswithme；andididnotlikeit.itwasagrovellingfashionofexistence：ishouldneverliketoreturntoit.hiringamistressisthenextworsethingtobuyingaslave：bothareoftenbynature，andalwaysbyposition，inferior：andtolivefamiliarlywithinferiorsisdegrading.inowhatetherecollectionofthetimeipassedwithcéline，giacinta，andclara.”

ifeltthetruthofthesewords；andidrewfromthemthecertaininference，thatifiweresofartoforgetmyselfandalltheteachingthathadeverbeeninstilledintome，as—underanypretext—withanyjustification—throughanytemptation—tobecometheessorofthesepoorgirls，hewouldonedayregardmewiththesamefeelingwhichnowinhisminddesecratedtheirmemory.ididnotgiveutterancetothisconviction：itwasenoughtofeelit.iimpresseditonmyheart，thatitmightremaintheretoservemeasaidinthetimeoftrial.

“now，jane，whydon’tyousay‘well，sir？’ihavenotdone.youarelookinggrave.youdisapproveofmestill，isee.butletmecometothepoint.lastjanuary，ridofallmistresses—inaharsh，bitterframeofmind，theresultofauseless，roving，lonelylife—corrodedwithdisappointment，sourlydisposedagainstallmen，andespeciallyagainstallwomankind(foribegantoregardthenotionofanintellectual，faithful，lovingwomanasameredream)，recalledbybusiness，icamebacktoengland.

“onafrostywinterafternoon，irodeinsightofthornfieldhall.abhorredspot！iexpectednopeace—nopleasurethere.onastileinhaylaneisawaquietlittlefiguresittingbyitself.ipasseditasnegligentlyasididthepollardwillowoppositetoit：ihadnopresentimentofwhatitwouldbetome；noinwardwarningthatthearbitressofmylife—mygeniusforgoodorevil—waitedthereinhumbleguise.ididnotknowit，evenwhen，ontheoccasionofmesrour’saccident，itcameupandgravelyofferedmehelp.childishandslendercreature！itseemedasifalinnethadhoppedtomyfootandproposedtobearmeonitstinywing.iwassurly；butthethingwouldnotgo：itstoodbymewithstrangeperseverance，andlookedandspokewithasortofauthority.imustbeaided，andbythathand：andaidediwas.

“whenonceihadpressedthefrailshoulder，somethingnew—afreshsapandsense—stoleintomyframe.itwaswellihadlearntthatthiselfmustreturntome—thatitbelongedtomyhousedownbelow—oricouldnothavefeltitpassawayfromundermyhand，andseenitvanishbehindthedimhedge，withoutsingularregret.iheardyoucomehomethatnight，jane，thoughprobablyyouwerenotawarethatithoughtofyouorwatchedforyou.thenextdayiobservedyou—myselfunseen—forhalf-an-hour，whileyouplayedwithadèleinthegallery.itwasasnowyday，irecollect，andyoucouldnotgooutofdoors.iwasinmyroom；thedoorwasajar：icouldbothlistenandwatch.adèleclaimedyouroutwardattentionforawhile；yetifanciedyourthoughtswereelsewhere：butyouwereverypatientwithher，mylittlejane；youtalkedtoherandamusedheralongtime.whenatlastsheleftyou，youlapsedatonceintodeepreverie：youbetookyourselfslowlytopacethegallery.nowandthen，inpassingacasement，youglancedoutatthethick-fallingsnow；youlistenedtothesobbingwind，andagainyoupacedgentlyonanddreamed.ithinkthosedayvisionswerenotdark：therewasapleasurableilluminationinyoureyeoccasionally，asoftexcitementinyouraspect，whichtoldofnobitter，bilious，hypochondriacbrooding：yourlookrevealedratherthesweetmusingsofyouthwhenitsspiritfollowsonwillingwingstheflightofhopeupandontoanidealheaven.thevoiceofmrs.fairfax，speakingtoaservantinthehall，wakenedyou：andhowcuriouslyyousmiledtoandatyourself，janet！therewasmuchsenseinyoursmile：itwasveryshrewd，andseemedtomakelightofyourownabstraction.itseemedtosay—‘myfinevisionsareallverywell，butimustnotforgettheyareabsolutelyunreal.ihavearosyskyandagreenfloweryedeninmybrain；butwithout，iamperfectlyaware，liesatmyfeetaroughtracttotravel，andaroundmegatherblacktempeststoencounter.’yourandownstairsanddemandedofmrs.fairfaxsomeoccupation：theweeklyhouseaccountstomakeup，orsomethingofthatsort，ithinkitwas.iwasvexedwithyouforgettingoutofmysight.