第132章

第132章“toengland，then，iconveyedher；afearfulvoyageihadwithsuchamonsterinthevessel.gladwasiwheniatlastgothertothornfield，andsawhersafelylodgedinthatthird-storeyroom，ofwhosesecretinnercabinetshehasnowfortenyearsmadeawildbeast’sden—agoblin’scell.ihadsometroubleinfindinganattendantforher，asitwasnecessarytoselectoneonwhosefidelitydependencecouldbeplaced；forherravingswouldinevitablybetraymysecret：besides，shehadlucidintervalsofdays—sometimesweeks—whichshefilledupwithabuseofme.atlastihiredgracepoolefromthegrimbsyretreat.sheandthesurgeon，carter(whodressedmason’swoundsthatnighthewasstabbedandworried)，aretheonlytwoihaveeveradmittedtomyconfidence.mrs.fairfaxmayindeedhavesuspectedsomething，butshecouldhavegainednopreciseknowledgeastofacts.gracehas，onthewhole，provedagoodkeeper；though，owingpartlytoafaultofherown，ofwhichitappearsnothingcancureher，andwhichisincidenttoherharassingprofession，hervigilancehasbeenmorethanoncelulledandbaffled.thelunaticisbothcunningandmalignant；shehasneverfailedtotakeadvantageofherguardian’stemporarylapses；oncetosecretetheknifewithwhichshestabbedherbrother，andtwicetopossessherselfofthekeyofhercell，andissuetherefrominthenight-time.onthefirstoftheseoccasions，sheperpetratedtheattempttoburnmeinmybed；onthesecond，shepaidthatghastlyvisittoyou.ithankprovidence，whowatchedoveryou，thatshethenspentherfuryonyourweddingapparel，whichperhapsbroughtbackvaguereminiscencesofherownbridaldays：butonwhatmighthavehappened，icannotenduretoreflect.whenithinkofthethingwhichflewatmythroatthismorning，hangingitsblackandscarletvisageoverthenestofmydove，mybloodcurdles

“andwhat，sir，”iasked，whilehepaused，“didyoudowhenyouhadsettledherhere？wheredidyougo？”

“whatdidido，jane？itransformedmyselfintoawill-o’-the-wisp.wheredidigo？ipursuedwanderingsaswildasthoseofthemarch-spirit.isoughtthecontinent，andwentdeviousthroughallitslands.myfixeddesirewastoseekandfindagoodandintelligentwoman，whomicouldlove：acontrasttothefuryileftatthornfield—”

“butyoucouldnotmarry，sir.”

“ihaddeterminedandwasconvincedthaticouldandought.itwasnotmyoriginalintentiontodeceive，asihavedeceivedyou.imeanttotellmytaleplainly，andmakemyproposalsopenly：anditappearedtomesoabsolutelyrationalthatishouldbeconsideredfreetoloveandbeloved，ineverdoubtedsomewomanmightbefoundwillingandabletounderstandmycaseandacceptme，inspiteofthecursewithwhichiwasburdened.”

“well，sir？”

“whenyouareinquisitive，jane，youalwaysmakemesmile.youopenyoureyeslikeaneagerbird，andmakeeverynowandthenarestlessmovement，asifanswersinspeechdidnotflowfastenoughforyou，andyouwantedtoreadthetabletofone’sheart.butbeforeigoon，tellmewhatyoumeanbyyour‘well，sir？’itisasmallphraseveryfrequentwithyou；andwhichmanyatimehasdrawnmeonandonthroughinterminabletalk：idon’tverywellknowwhy.”

“imean，—whatnext？howdidyouproceed？whatcameofsuchanevent？”

“precisely！andwhatdoyouwishtoknownow？”

“whetheryoufoundanyoneyouliked：whetheryouaskedhertomarryyou；andwhatshesaid.”

“icantellyouwhetherifoundanyoneiliked，andwhetheriaskedhertomarryme：butwhatshesaidisyettoberecordedinthebookoffate.fortenlongyearsirovedabout，livingfirstinonecapital，thenanother：sometimesinst.petersburg；oftenerinparis；occasionallyinrome，naples，andflorence.providedwithplentyofmoneyandthepassportofanoldname，icouldchoosemyownsociety：nocircleswereclosedagainstme.isoughtmyidealofawomanamongstenglishladies，frenchcountesses，italiansignoras，andgermangr？finnen.icouldnotfindher.sometimes，forafleetingmoment，ithoughticaughtaglance，heardatone，beheldaform，whichannouncedtherealisationofmydream：butiwaspresentlyundeserved.youarenottosupposethatidesiredperfection，eitherofmindorperson.ilongedonlyforwhatsuitedme—fortheantipodesofthecreole：andilongedvainly.amongstthemallifoundnotonewhom，hadibeeneversofree，i—warnedasiwasoftherisks，thehorrors，theloathingsofincongruousunions—wouldhaveaskedtomarryme.disappointmentmademereckless.itrieddissipation—neverdebauchery：thatihated，andhate.thatwasmyindianmessalina’sattribute：rooteddisgustatitandherrestrainedmemuch，eveninpleasure.anyenjoymentthatborderedonriotseemedtoapproachmetoherandhervices，andieschewedit.

“yeticouldnotlivealone；soitriedthecompanionshipofmistresses.thefirstichosewascélinevarens—anotherofthosestepswhichmakeamanspurnhimselfwhenherecallsthem.youalreadyknowwhatshewas，andhowmyliaisonwithherterminated.shehadtwoessors：anitalian，giacinta，andagerman，clara；bothconsideredsingularlyhandsome.whatwastheirbeautytomeinafewweeks？giacintawasunprincipledandviolent：itiredofherinthreemonths.clarawashonestandquiet；butheavy，mindless，andunimpressible：notonewhittomytaste.iwasgladtogiveherasufficientsumtosetherupinagoodlineofbusiness，andsogetdecentlyridofher.but，jane，iseebyyourfaceyouarenotformingaveryfavourableopinionofmejustnow.youthinkmeanunfeeling，loose-principledrake：don’tyou？”

“idon’tlikeyousowellasihavedonesometimes，indeed，sir.diditnotseemtoyouintheleastwrongtoliveinthatway，firstwithonemistressandthenanother？youtalkofitasamerematterofcourse.”