第131章

第131章“pity,jane,fromsomepeopleisanoxiousandinsultingsortoftribute,whichoneisjustifiedinhurlingbackintheteethofthosewhoofferit;butthatisthesortofpitynativetocallous,selfishhearts;itisahybrid,egotisticalpainathearingofwoes,crossedwithignorantcontemptforthosewhohaveenduredthem.butthatisnotyourpity,jane;itisnotthefeelingofwhichyourwholefaceisfullatthismoment—withwhichyoureyesarenowalmostoverflowing—withwhichyourheartisheaving—withwhichyourhandistremblinginmine.yourpity,mydarling,isthesufferingmotheroflove:itsanguishistheverynatalpangofthedivinepassion.iacceptit,jane;letthedaughterhavefreeadvent—myarmswaittoreceiveher.”

“now,sir,proceed;whatdidyoudowhenyoufoundshewasmad?”

“jane,iapproachedthevergeofdespair;aremnantofself-respectwasallthatintervenedbetweenmeandthegulf.intheeyesoftheworld,iwasdoubtlesscoveredwithgrimydishonour;butiresolvedtobecleaninmyownsight—andtothelastirepudiatedthecontaminationofhercrimes,andwrenchedmyselffromconnectionwithhermentaldefects.still,societyassociatedmynameandpersonwithhers;iyetsawherandheardherdaily:somethingofherbreath(faugh!)mixedwiththeairibreathed;andbesides,irememberedihadoncebeenherhusband—thatrecollectionwasthen,andisnow,inexpressiblyodioustome;moreover,iknewthatwhileshelivedicouldneverbethehusbandofanotherandbetterwife;and,thoughfiveyearsmysenior(herfamilyandherfatherhadliedtomeevenintheparticularofherage),shewaslikelytoliveaslongasi,beingasrobustinframeasshewasinfirminmind.thus,attheageoftwenty-six,iwashopeless.

“onenightihadbeenawakenedbyheryells—(sincethemedicalmenhadpronouncedhermad,shehad,ofcourse,beenshutup)—itwasafierywestindiannight;oneofthedescriptionthatfrequentlyprecedethehurricanesofthoseclimates.beingunabletosleepinbed,igotupandopenedthewindow.theairwaslikesulphur-steams—icouldfindnorefreshmentanywhere.mosquitoescamebuzzinginandhummedsullenlyroundtheroom;thesea,whichicouldhearfromthence,rumbleddulllikeanearthquake—blackcloudswerecastingupoverit;themoonwassettinginthewaves,broadandred,likeahotcannon-ball—shethrewherlastbloodyglanceoveraworldquiveringwiththefermentoftempest.iwasphysicallyinfluencedbytheatmosphereandscene,andmyearswerefilledwiththecursesthemaniacstillshriekedout;whereinshemomentarilymingledmynamewithsuchatoneofdemon-hate,withsuchlanguage!—noprofessedharloteverhadafoulervocabularythanshe:thoughtworoomsoff,iheardeveryword—thethinpartitionsofthewestindiahouseopposingbutslightobstructiontoherwolfishcries.

“‘thislife,’saidiatlast,‘ishell:thisistheair—thosearethesoundsofthebottomlesspit!ihavearighttodelivermyselffromitifican.thesufferingsofthismortalstatewillleavemewiththeheavyfleshthatnowcumbersmysoul.ofthefanatic’sburningeternityihavenofear:thereisnotafuturestateworsethanthispresentone—letmebreakaway,andgohometogod!’

“isaidthiswhilstikneltdownat,andunlockedatrunkwhichcontainedabraceofloadedpistols:imeantoshootmyself.ionlyentertainedtheintentionforamoment;for,notbeinginsane,thecrisisofexquisiteandunalloyeddespair,whichhadoriginatedthewishanddesignofself-destruction,waspastinasecond.

“awindfreshfromeuropeblewovertheoceanandrushedthroughtheopencasement:thestormbroke,streamed,thundered,blazed,andtheairgrewpure.ithenframedandfixedaresolution.whileiwalkedunderthedrippingorange-treesofmywetgarden,andamongstitsdrenchedpomegranatesandpine-apples,andwhiletherefulgentdawnofthetropicskindledroundme—ireasonedthus,jane—andnowlisten;foritwastruewisdomthatconsoledmeinthathour,andshowedmetherightpathtofollow.

“thesweetwindfromeuropewasstillwhisperingintherefreshedleaves,andtheatlanticwasthunderingingloriousliberty;myheart,driedupandscorchedforalongtime,swelledtothetone,andfilledwithlivingblood—mybeinglongedforrenewal—mysoulthirstedforapuredraught.isawhoperevive—andfeltregenerationpossible.fromafloweryarchatthebottomofmygardenigazedoverthesea—bluerthanthesky:theoldworldwasbeyond;clearprospectsopenedthus:—

“‘go,’saidhope,‘andliveagainineurope:thereitisnotknownwhatasulliednameyoubear,norwhatafilthyburdenisboundtoyou.youmaytakethemaniacwithyoutoengland;confineherwithdueattendanceandprecautionsatthornfield:thentravelyourselftowhatclimeyouwill,andformwhatnewtieyoulike.thatwoman,whohassoabusedyourlong-suffering,sosulliedyourname,sooutragedyourhonour,soblightedyouryouth,isnotyourwife,norareyouherhusband.seethatsheiscaredforasherconditiondemands,andyouhavedoneallthatgodandhumanityrequireofyou.letheridentity,herconnectionwithyourself,beburiedinoblivion:youareboundtoimpartthemtonolivingbeing.placeherinsafetyandcomfort:shelterherdegradationwithsecrecy,andleaveher.’

“iactedpreciselyonthisestion.myfatherandbrotherhadnotmademymarriageknowntotheiracquaintance;because,intheveryfirstletteriwrotetoapprisethemoftheunion—havingalreadybeguntoexperienceextremedisgustofitsconsequences,and,fromthefamilycharacterandconstitution,seeingahideousfutureopeningtome—iaddedanurgentchargetokeepitsecret:andverysoontheinfamousconductofthewifemyfatherhadselectedformewassuchastomakehimblushtoownherashisdaughter-in-law.farfromdesiringtopublishtheconnection,hebecameasanxioustoconcealitasmyself.