第126章

第126章themorninghadbeenaquietmorningenough—allexceptthebriefscenewiththelunatic:thetransactioninthechurchhadnotbeennoisy;therewasnoexplosionofpassion,noloudaltercation,nodispute,nodefianceorchallenge,notears,nosobs:afewwordshadbeenspoken,acalmlypronouncedobjectiontothemarriagemade;somestern,shortquestionsputbymr.rochester;answers,explanationsgiven,evidenceadduced;anopenadmissionofthetruthhadbeenutteredbymymaster;thenthelivingproofhadbeenseen;theintrudersweregone,andallwasover.

iwasinmyownroomasusual—justmyself,withoutobviouschange:nothinghadsmittenme,orscathedme,ormaimedme.andyetwherewasthejaneeyreofyesterday?—wherewasherlife?—wherewereherprospects?

janeeyre,whohadbeenanardent,expectantwoman—almostabride,wasacold,solitarygirlagain:herlifewaspale;herprospectsweredesolate.achristmasfrosthadcomeatmidsummer;awhitedecemberstormhadwhirledoverjune;iceglazedtheripeapples,driftscrushedtheblowingroses;onhayfieldandcornfieldlayafrozenshroud:laneswhichlastnightblushedfullofflowers,to-daywerepathlesswithuntroddensnow;andthewoods,whichtwelvehourssincewavedleafyandflagrantasgrovesbetweenthetropics,nowspread,waste,wild,andwhiteaspine-forestsinwintrynorway.myhopeswerealldead—struckwithasubtledoom,suchas,inonenight,fellonallthefirst-borninthelandofegypt.ilookedonmycherishedwishes,yesterdaysobloomingandglowing;theylaystark,chill,lividcorpsesthatcouldneverrevive.ilookedatmylove:thatfeelingwhichwasmymaster’s—whichhehadcreated;itshiveredinmyheart,likeasufferingchildinacoldcradle;sicknessandanguishhadseizedit;itcouldnotseekmr.rochester’sarms—itcouldnotderivewarmthfromhisbreast.oh,nevermorecoulditturntohim;forfaithwasblighted—confidencedestroyed!mr.rochesterwasnottomewhathehadbeen;forhewasnotwhatihadthoughthim.iwouldnotascribevicetohim;iwouldnotsayhehadbetrayedme;buttheattributeofstainlesstruthwasgonefromhisidea,andfromhispresenceimustgo:thatiperceivedwell.when—how—whither,icouldnotyetdiscern;buthehimself,idoubtednot,wouldhurrymefromthornfield.realaffection,itseemed,hecouldnothaveforme;ithadbeenonlyfitfulpassion:thatwasbalked;hewouldwantmenomore.ishouldfeareventocrosshispathnow:myviewmustbehatefultohim.oh,howblindhadbeenmyeyes!howweakmyconduct!

myeyeswerecoveredandclosed:eddyingdarknessseemedtoswimroundme,andreflectioncameinasblackandconfusedaflow.self-abandoned,relaxed,andeffortless,iseemedtohavelaidmedowninthedried-upbedofagreatriver;iheardafloodloosenedinremotemountains,andfeltthetorrentcome:toriseihadnowill,tofleeihadnostrength.ilayfaint,longingtobedead.oneideaonlystillthrobbedlife-likewithinme—aremembranceofgod:itbegotanunutteredprayer:thesewordswentwanderingupanddowninmyraylessmind,assomethingthatshouldbewhispered,butnoenergywasfoundtoexpressthem—

“benotfarfromme,fortroubleisnear:thereisnonetohelp.”

itwasnear:andasihadliftednopetitiontoheaventoavertit—asihadneitherjoinedmyhands,norbentmyknees,normovedmylips—itcame:infullheavyswingthetorrentpouredoverme.thewholeconsciousnessofmylifelorn,mylovelost,myhopequenched,myfaithdeath-struck,swayedfullandmightyabovemeinonesullenmass.thatbitterhourcannotbedescribed:intruth,“thewaterscameintomysoul;isankindeepmire:ifeltnostanding;icameintodeepwaters;thefloodsoverflowedme.”