第103章
第103章mr.rochesterhadgivenmebutoneweek’sleaveofabsence:yetamonthelapsedbeforeiquittedgateshead.iwishedtoleaveimmediatelyafterthefuneral,butgeorgianaentreatedmetostaytillshecouldgetofftolondon,whithershewasnowatlastinvitedbyheruncle,mr.gibson,whohadcomedowntodirecthissister’sintermentandsettlethefamilyaffairs.georgianasaidshedreadedbeingleftalonewitheliza;fromhershegotneithersympathyinherdejection,supportinherfears,noraidinherpreparations;soiborewithherfeeble-mindedqailingsandselfishlamentationsaswellasicould,anddidmybestinsewingforherandpackingherdresses.itistrue,thatwhileiworked,shewouldidle;andithoughttomyself,“ifyouandiweredestinedtolivealwaystogether,cousin,wewouldcommencemattersonadifferentfooting.ishouldnotsettletamelydownintobeingtheforbearingparty;ishouldassignyouyourshareoflabour,andcompelyoutoaccomplishit,orelseitshouldbeleftundone:ishouldinsist,also,onyourkeepingsomeofthosedrawling,half-insincerecomplaintshushedinyourownbreast.itisonlybecauseourconnectionhappenstobeverytransitory,andcomesatapeculiarlymournfulseason,thaticonsentthustorenderitsopatientandcompliantonmypart.”
atlastisawgeorgianaoff;butnowitwaseliza’sturntorequestmetostayanotherweek.herplansrequiredallhertimeandattention,shesaid;shewasabouttodepartforsomeunknownbourne;andalldaylongshestayedinherownroom,herdoorboltedwithin,fillingtrunks,emptyingdrawers,burningpapers,andholdingnocommunicationwithanyone.shewishedmetolookafterthehouse,toseecallers,andanswernotesofcondolence.
onemorningshetoldmeiwasatliberty.“and,”sheadded,“iamobligedtoyouforyourvaluableservicesanddiscreetconduct!thereissomedifferencebetweenlivingwithsuchanoneasyouandwithgeorgiana:youperformyourownpartinlifeandburdennoone.to-morrow,”shecontinued,“isetoutforthecontinent.ishalltakeupmyabodeinareligioushousenearlisle—anunneryyouwouldcallit;thereishallbequietandunmolested.ishalldevotemyselfforatimetotheexaminationoftheromancatholicdogmas,andtoacarefulstudyoftheworkingsoftheirsystem:ififindittobe,asihalfsuspectitis,theonebestcalculatedtoensurethedoingofallthingsdecentlyandinorder,ishallembracethetenetsofromeandprobablytaketheveil.”
ineitherexpressedsurpriseatthisresolutionnorattemptedtodissuadeherfromit.“thevocationwillfityoutoahair,”ithought:“muchgoodmayitdoyou!”
whenweparted,shesaid:“good-bye,cousinjaneeyre;iwishyouwell:youhavesomesense.”
ithenreturned:“youarenotwithoutsense,cousineliza;butwhatyouhave,isuppose,inanotheryearwillbewalledupaliveinafrenchconvent.however,itisnotmybusiness,andsoitsuitsyou,idon’tmuchcare.”
“youareintheright,”saidshe;andwiththesewordsweeachwentourseparateway.asishallnothaveoccasiontorefereithertoherorhersisteragain,imayaswellmentionhere,thatgeorgianamadeanadvantageousmatchwithawealthyworn-outmanoffashion,andthatelizaactuallytooktheveil,andisatthisdaysuperioroftheconventwhereshepassedtheperiodofhernovitiate,andwhichsheendowedwithherfortune.
howpeoplefeelwhentheyarereturninghomefromanabsence,longorshort,ididnotknow:ihadneverexperiencedthesensation.ihadknownwhatitwastocomebacktogatesheadwhenachildafteralongwalk,tobescoldedforlookingcoldorgloomy;andlater,whatitwastocomebackfromchurchtolowood,tolongforaplenteousmealandagoodfire,andtobeunabletogeteither.neitherofthesereturningswasverypleasantordesirable:nomagnetdrewmetoagivenpoint,increasinginitsstrengthofattractionthenearericame.thereturntothornfieldwasyettobetried.
myjourneyseemedtedious—verytedious:fiftymilesoneday,anightspentataninn;fiftymilesthenextday.duringthefirsttwelvehoursithoughtofmrs.reedinherlastmoments;isawherdisfiguredanddiscolouredface,andheardherstrangelyalteredvoice.imusedonthefuneralday,thecoffin,thehearse,theblacktrainoftenantsandservants—fewwasthenumberofrelatives—thegapingvault,thesilentchurch,thesolemnservice.thenithoughtofelizaandgeorgiana;ibeheldonethecynosureofaball-room,theothertheinmateofaconventcell;andidweltonandanalysedtheirseparatepeculiaritiesofpersonandcharacter.theeveningarrivalatthegreattownof—scatteredthesethoughts;nightgavethemquiteanotherturn:laiddownonmytraveller’sbed,ileftreminiscenceforanticipation.
iwasgoingbacktothornfield:buthowlongwasitostaythere?notlong;ofthatiwassure.ihadheardfrommrs.fairfaxintheinterimofmyabsence:thepartyatthehallwasdispersed;mr.rochesterhadleftforlondonthreeweeksago,buthewasthenexpectedtoreturninafortnight.mrs.fairfaxsurmisedthathewasgonetomakearrangementsforhiswedding,ashehadtalkedofpurchasinganewcarriage:shesaidtheideaofhismarryingmissingramstillseemedstrangetoher;butfromwhateverybodysaid,andfromwhatshehadherselfseen,shecouldnolongerdoubtthattheeventwouldshortlytakeplace.“youwouldbestrangelyincredulousifyoudiddoubtit,”wasmymentalcomment.“idon’tdoubtit.”
thequestionfollowed,“wherewasitogo?”idreamtofmissingramallthenight:inavividmorningdreamisawherclosingthegatesofthornfieldagainstmeandpointingmeoutanotherroad;andmr.rochesterlookedonwithhisarmsfolded—smilingsardonically,asitseemed,atbothherandme.